Are you expecting?  Have you had a miscarriage? Unfortunately I had two miscarriages of my own. Listen to songs I chose for my babies while I was still pregnant and how I sang them in anticipation of their arrival and  then to calm my babies once they were born.

Gonna stalk me on social?  Let me help you...

@virtuallyyoupodcastva (FB & IG)

...heck, join me in my FB group

**Full Transcript

Intro I have a question. What is your favorite song, and how do you connect with it? Is it when you fell in love, or through something really difficult? I'm your host Tiffany Mason. now join me as I interview others, and we take a walk down memory lane with them. Let's get lost in why that music matters to them. Turn up your radio and let's explore memories with a beat.

Tiffany Hello podcast land. Today it's just gonna be you and me, and I want to share some songs that remind me of my babies. I have three children. I have Preston, Parker, and Hanna. And I think that they all have such unique stories with how they entered into my life.

My first son is Preston Mason. And he is so much like me, literally, we always say the only difference is the anatomy. Because I can guess his next move before he makes it. I know exactly what he's thinking. Then Parker is all his daddy. And all the same mannerisms, same humor, same introverted-ness, just exactly like his dad. And then there's Hanna and she's probably just a little bit of both of us. They all bring so many different qualities or characteristics to the table that are so great in so many different ways. And I really appreciate everything that all three of them bring. I could never pick a favorite because you know "I like this one because they do that," or "like this one because it's more like that with this one," you know? So they're just unique in their own way and I love all three of them so much.

The first baby I had was Preston, like I mentioned. My husband was actually on a guy's trip in Cancun. I just thought something was up, and so I thought "I'm going to go buy a test." And sure enough, I could not believe the two lines showing up. So my girlfriend was over at the time and we're both freaking out. And I'm like "Oh my gosh, what do I do?" My girlfriend said you know what, "Let him live it up. Let it be his last, you know, hurrah, and you can let him know the good news when he gets home."

So, I flew to Minnesota, where he was flying to, and we met there and his mom and I went and picked him up from the airport. And the whole way home, I wanted to shout out "I'm pregnant." But I knew it wasn't obviously the right timing. So then, we got to his dad's house and he had his luggage with him. And I was like, you know, "Do you want to take your luggage downstairs? What do you think we probably should take your luggage downstairs, you know?" His dad and his step-mom, and him were like, "No, we're gonna go to dinner. Don't worry about the luggage, Tiffany." And all I could think like the entire dinner was "I'm pregnant." And I just kept wanting to say it over and over again.

So, finally we got home from dinner, and Shawn decided it was time for him to bring his luggage downstairs. When we got downstairs, he gave me a gift. And it was, you know, a couple pieces of jewelry he had picked up from me and Cancun, which was so sweet and I was so thankful. And then I said "I have a gift for you too." And he was like "Whadya get me?" And so he opens up the card. And I don't remember exactly what it said but something to the effect of, you know, just how much I loved him and all that good stuff. And then he opened the gift. And the gift was 1000 perfect names for your perfect baby. Or maybe it's 1000 names for your perfect baby something to that extent. And he looked at me. And I was tearing up, and he just leaned in so sweetly and caring, and he just said, "It's gonna be okay." And he gave me a kiss on the forehead.

So I have this little baby growing in me trying to figure out you, know how, I'm going to tell my family. And my sister had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while. We were actually meeting in Minnesota when I told Shawn, because we were going to drive south to my mother's wedding in Iowa. And in Iowa, I knew I would see my sister. And I knew I had to tell my sister before I told everybody else. I pulled her aside and told her, and of course she was completely devastated. And I don't blame her one bit. But she was she was sad and you know, she... that's what she wanted. She had gotten married. She went to school and she was ready to start her family and she has done everything in the right order. And she had gotten news that she would maybe never be able to have babies. Side note, she had three. She are pregnant on her own. I think she had to take Clomid. But she did end up getting pregnant on her own for the most part, and no IVF, no crazy fertility story, and no loss of multiple babies, so happy ending there. But it was just a little nerve racking nonetheless. And I remember once we had Preston that was even a little bit difficult for them as a couple. But you know once they had their own children. Life was good.

So I tell you all of that to tell you that the song that I picked. While I was pregnant with Preston was by Savage Garden. It came out in 1999. And it's, "I knew I loved you before I met you." You know you haven't met your baby, so you don't know them. Some of the lyrics that I appreciate is "I know it might sound more than a little crazy, but I believe I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I've been waiting all my life."

When I was 18 and Shawn and I were just eating. He was saying, you know, I wish you were at home barefoot and pregnant. My mom was like "Whoa, hold the phone," you know. My mother was a teen mom, for her to hear those words, she knew she knows how difficult it is to have a child. And when you're 18, I think you just get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a child. So, she was good to caution me and just say, you know, "Hang on, wait till the timings right." We weren't necessarily trying for Preston, but we weren't really being that responsible either. So, I think we knew it was a good possibility that it could happen. So we had been waiting for Preston for a couple of years and just happy to be expecting, especially a boy! I think that that's just the best way to do it is to have a boy first. And of course there... it's not a choice, right? Like you just get what you get. But I was really pleased to find out that it was gonna be a little boy. I really appreciate the words "1000 angels dance around you. I'm complete now that I've found you." And I think that babies do get some kind of send off in Heaven. Right. I feel like the angels do dance around them and they bless them and God blesses their soul and sends them off to their parents. We'd gotten this blue rocking chair to, you know, feed the baby in the middle of the night and rock him to nap time and all that kind of stuff. Those things that you fantasize about before you have your first kid. And after you have your first child you realize it's a lot more than just that fantasy. I remember just so many times sitting in his room. He had this mobile that I don't know if you guys had babies around the year 2000 when Preston was born. But, there was Carter's baby set that was endorsed I guess by Elton John. And it had like a giraffe and an elephant and just some cute animals. And there was a... I think it's called a moonlight, where there's a light in the middle, and this film circles around the light and it ends up reflecting onto the wall. So I remember just turning that on, and turning on this song, and rubbing my belly dreaming of what that was going to be like to hold him in my arms. And be his mom and look into his eyes and, you know? I had imagined myself, so many times him in my belly and me picturing what he looked like scrunched up in my belly and how it was going to be so great to have him on the outside and scrunched up in my arms. And I just thought about that every time I heard that song. I guess I just keep thinking about that song. So if you guys have not listened to "I knew I loved you before I met you." It's just such a sweet song, and I just dream about those days when I was rubbing my belly and dreaming of meeting Preston.

Thennnnnn, I had Parker. But before I had Parker, I had a miscarriage, which was no fun at all. I found out fairly early on. And I wasn't necessarily devastated by the miscarriage. I was young, I knew I could have babies I already had Preston. I don't know as though I was devastated by the miscarriage, but it was very sad, of course. And so then, I got the news that I had had a partial molar pregnancy. Your cells are supposed to divide evenly by twos. My cells were dividing by threes. And at that point, I was told by the doctor that I would need to monitor my HCG levels, which is the same hormone that tells you if you're pregnant. So they said sorry you cannot get pregnant until we can confirm that those cells are not, you know, multiplying, and that hormone levels not going up. Because if the hormone level goes up we know those precancerous cells are multiplying. So, I did the first test and it came back, yes. The number went up. So I had to have my blood tested the next week. And yes, the numbers went up again. So at that point, once it gets to a certain level, they give you a shot of Methotrexate which is actually a cancer drug. But that's also what they use to stop these precancerous cells, I guess that kind of makes sense. Um, so I had that shot. And then they said because you had the shot. Now we have to monitor you every month for a year. And that just broke my heart because my sister and I are two years apart. And I thought that that was just perfect. And that's what I wanted for my babies. But God knew better. God knew what I needed. And I just always think of that Thomas Rhett song, "You make your plans and you hear God laughing." That just resonates with me almost on a daily basis. I'm sure you guys can all relate as well. But yeah, I just had to put my faith in God and know that it's his plan, and not my plan and His ways are higher than mine. I went in every month Preston my little sidekick would come with me and distract me from the blood draw. My levels of course went down to zero, we took care of everything. And now it was time to have a baby again. I remember saying, the first month we can get pregnant, I want to be pregnant. And we sure did. We were pregnant in May of 2003 and Parker joined our family in January of 2004. Now, I did not have a sweet song that I sang to him because you know we were busy, going to doctor's visits, and then going to the park. And I had Preston and my all my attention was focused on him. I was pretty heavy into scrapbooking at the same time. So most of my free time I would spend scrapbooking with my girlfriend Cherise. And we would put our two children down for naps and just enjoy time together. Once Parker was born, he did get a song. The only song Preston knew that he could sing in the seat next to Parker was the ABCs. So, sometimes we would sing them fast. Sometimes we'd sing them slow. Sometimes we'd sing them really loud and obnoxious. And he just loved it. He loved the music I think he loved hearing our voices, and it would always calm him down in the car. So, that was Parker song, unfortunately, middle kid gets jipped all the time and he got ABCs, because then sweet little Hanna came along and she got a great song too. I also miscarried before Hanna. I had Preston, when I was a month before I turned 21. I had Parker three years later, and I had Hanna, seven years later.

My husband had finally decided, yes, we could try for another baby. I was so thankful and I was so excited when I found out we were expecting again. And I was really hoping it was a little girl. Oh I was hoping! I wanted to play with her hair and pull it up and put it in braids and you know I wanted her to do daddy daughter dances and I just had plans...well, honestly... What kind of shifted my mindset on having a third child because I always wanted a little boy, was one Christmas, the boys were opening their gifts. And it was all stuff for Shawn to do with them. It was golfing. It was archery. It was fishing. You know? A lot of boy things, and I know everyone wants to say girls, girls can do that stuff too and girls absolutely can. But just in that moment in time, I was like, Who's gonna go shopping with me and who's gonna do all those fun things of me, and all the sudden I just knew I wanted to have my own little best friend.

So, we talked about you know fostering we talked about adopting you know we just ultimately decided on trying to whip up a batter of our own and praying for a little girl. We went to the first ultrasound and it was really good and that was always kind of what I needed was that first ultrasound to feel okay. So excited! My best friend at the time, she got pregnant. Oh, man. Oh no, she was trying to get pregnant I'm sorry she was trying to get pregnant. And I was thinking "We're gonna have babies at the same time. It's gonna be so much fun." I couldn't even believe it.

Then we went to the 11 week ultrasound. And there was no heartbeat. I was devastated. There was a show on at the time called Glee. And it was where like high school kids would sing songs in a remixed fashion or whatever. At the time they had "Smile." You know goes [Singing] "Smile, though, your heart is aching. Smile, fill your heart is aching." And I just play that song, over, and over, and over. And just cried and cried. And I remember sending my best friend a text and just said, "I don't want to talk about it, but there wasn't a heartbeat." And it was so hard because my family did not know that I was pregnant at the time. I was waiting to tell them. And it's odd because I didn't wait to tell them with any of my other babies. Like the second there were two pink lines on that pregnancy test, I was blabbing to the world. And for some reason this time I didn't. So we didn't really say anything to anybody. Actually my husband's mom came to visit. I was just kind of out of sorts. And it was so weird to like almost grieve alone. I did end up telling all of our family, you know like, I don't know, a month or two later. Maybe when I got pregnant with Hanna. You know, it was just so hard. I don't know I guess just the way that I am I'm an extrovert. I don't mind people knowing my business. I think it's the best thing in the world. You just tell people right away. And if you lose that baby, you have the most amazing support system. The miscarriage that I had between Preston and Parker, I had so much support and so much understanding and sympathy. People just trying to be there for me and be understanding. And it was a very difficult miscarriage. Right before Hanna because nobody knew about it. So it was really hard. Now of course my best friend knew about it but I just, I would never recommend waiting. That's just my personality type but I like people knowing. And then there's an explanation if I'm not you know my normal peppy self.

So then, I was really devastated because I thought, you know what, I don't think Shawn's gonna let us try again. It had taken... I think it only took him maybe four months to get pregnant with that baby. And I just thought that that was kind of our one chance. And I didn't know if he was gonna let us try again. I just didn't have a good feeling about it. So, we talked about it. And, you know, a couple months later he was ready to try again. And it's funny because I think that we forget miscarriage affects our husbands too. You know, they lost the baby too. They lost those expectations too. They lost the baby the hope the dreams and you know all those things that you think you're going to do with that baby. He must have, you know, had time to grieve. And we were ready to try to get pregnant again. It took about six months and I remember thinking like, if I'm not pregnant next month I think I maybe just need to be done. I don't know if I can keep doing this to myself. So sure enough, that next month pregnancy Test came back positive. I was so excited, went to the first ultrasound second ultrasound. Everything was great. We were on the road to having a little girl. And all I can say is that when I did have the DNC from that second miscarriage. I asked the staff, you know, could you tell was it a boy or girl, and they said "You know what honey... that it... just, No, there was no way to tell." The way I sleep better at night, the story I tell myself to feel better, is I just feel like maybe God looked down and he was like, "Wait a minute, why is Tiffany pregnant with a boy? I think I clearly told you guys, she needs to have a little girl. That's what she's dreaming about and that's what she's been waiting for. She needs to have a little girl." And I think that the angels were just like, "Oh yes, I'm so sorry God. I'm so sorry." I ended up having a miscarriage. I got pregnant again. And that was my sweet little Hanna.

Once I got pregnant with her. I just knew she was going to be perfect. I mean, do you ever think that you're going to have a not perfect baby? No. So I knew she was going to be perfect. And the song that I picked for her was "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars came out in 2010. So right around the time of Hanna being born because she was born in 2011. I had such an awesome pregnancy really all three times. We moved this last time with Hanna we had moved from Chicago to Minnesota to be close to family. It was just a great experience overall took pictures. You know felt great. When in for that 20 week ultrasound. And now we have a problem. You know you can just tell right the ultrasound tech she starts taking extra pictures, pictures you didn't remember getting with other babies. They get very quiet, and you're asking questions and they just keep telling you like, "Oh the radiologist will go over with you. You know, just, you just got to wait. Wait for them to read it." So I got news had to go in for the appointment. I got news that Hanna only had a two vessel umbilical cord. Now they're supposed to have three vessels. Two arteries, one vein. It has something to do with the return and exchange of blood and oxygen to the baby through the umbilical cord. And why it becomes a danger is because that umbilical cord can get very worn out, and almost kind of start to disintegrate towards the end of the pregnancy. So, I still had a good pregnancy. I was very very concerned about this two vessel umbilical cord. I actually was doing tech support for Mac software at Creative Memories, at the time. I remember I had lady calling in and she was talking about her child and I don't know they were like, you know, three, four or five six somewhere in there, I don't know. Younger but not a baby. Somehow we got on the topic of being pregnant and all that good stuff. She just assured me through her own story that it was gonna be okay. Hanna was gonna make it. Hanna's gonna grow up to be a perfectly fine little girl, and not to worry about it.

So I really did try to lean on that for the most part. And again just driving to work every day singing to her. You know how perfect she was going to be. So when I would sing the song, the lyrics that always resonated to me, were "Her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining. Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying. She's so beautiful and I tell her every day." I knew I was going to tell my baby every day how perfect she was and how beautiful she was. But if you've ever seen a picture of my daughter...Jeepers, her eyes, her eyes, They do make the stars look like they're not shining. Just these big beautiful blue eyes, and her hair her hair falls perfectly without her trying. Gosh, it's true. I mean, I remember being at the pool one day, we'd been swimming her hair had dried. The wind was tossing Her hair was so perfect. It was like out of a movie or something. Okay and then the next lyrics I just think are so great is "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change because you're amazing, just the way you are." She is so stinking amazing. She is polite. She's sweet. She's kind. She's funny. I just love everything about her She really did turn into my little best friend. I joke about that all the time when I post things on Facebook and stuff about her. I also love when he says "And when you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while." She just has a magnetic smile. I love posting pictures of her on Facebook with her little smile and her friends. She just has a great aura to her, I suppose. And then this one always kind of tripped me up but I still do think it. "Her lips her lips I could kiss them all day if she'd let me." She has great lips, so when she was born. Shawn, first thing he said "She's got your lips," and I'm not trying to pat myself on the back I'm just saying she has great lips. And a great smile. And great hair. And great eyes. And then to finish off the package, it says "Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy." When I sing this to Hanna I always say "Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so funny." Or, it's so silly. You know I put something else in there because obviously I don't think my daughter's laugh is sexy. And I know this is a guy singing about his girlfriend or his wife. But this is me singing about my daughter and I just love her so much.

I've been so excited to, you know, share these three stories with you in those couple of songs. Because I don't know, like I've always said you know you just connect with music and it really means something to you. And when I hear those songs I just think about my babies and those days of anticipation and waiting for them to enter my life. I could not imagine my life without them even though they drive me absolutely crazy sometimes. I still wouldn't give them up for the world! And it's just fun to watch them grow and become the people they are. I hope you look the songs up and you hear them or, you know, if you sparked some kind of memory with you. I'd love if you shared that with me. Or if you have a song that you think your baby, or your baby that you weren't expecting at whatever point, and how that was for you. Hope you guys have a great rest of the day. And we'll talk soon.

Outro Weren't those great stories, I mean songs. I hope you could relate with my insights and feelings to connect with me, or to check me out on social media, see the show notes as always for details. Please leave a five star review. And I'd love if you left a memory of your own that. Can't wait to dive into my next guests memories with the beat! Hit subscribe now. You don't want to miss the next episode!