BobbyGQ:
0:00
What brought to your attention like hey I want to come and talk about so this is pretty dark, so I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but this my dad. From the time I was infant on up until at least when my parents got divorced, when I was 10, he would drug and molest me. What happens is is when you're young or you experience something that's too much for you to handle, you'll dissociate, and this therapy, this has been so effective. It amazes me. I really didn't know if I'd be able to get off a disability over it.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
0:34
Welcome to the New Horizons podcast. I'm Brian Curee.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
0:38
And I'm Shana Curee, also known as Mr and Mr KillerB, in virtual reality.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
0:42
So this podcast is recorded live from the metaverse at the Killer Bee Studios.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
0:47
Where real life stories and experiences are shared in a way only the metaverse can offer.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
0:52
With that, let's go ahead and dive into today's episode. Hey, everybody, thanks for joining us tonight at the Killer Bee Studio. We want to thank you guys all for coming out and, uh, we're excited about our guest tonight. Tonight is behind the avatar for those of you that know Bobby throw some confetti. You guys know Bobby GQ throw some confetti. But with that, I would love for everybody. Just let's, let's get ready to bring Bobby GQ out. Uh, dean, if you can go ahead, hit that intro music and let's throw some confetti for Bobby GQ. I think he knows how to do this, though it's been a long time. Yeah, of course He'll figure his way out here. Yeah, there he is, Bobby GQ in the house. He's jumping and giving us thumbs off. Look at that.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
1:35
Welcome Bobby. Welcome Bobby, thank you.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
1:40
I have to say, Bobby, like I noticed you got like all fancied up to, like you know, his avatar usually isn't wearing like leather jackets and I think those are those might be skinny jeans, skinny jeans of boots.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
1:53
I don't know, look at you.
BobbyGQ:
1:55
Yeah, these, these, these pants were inspired by you. I remember you guys were talking about when you first met him. Oh my goodness.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
2:07
Bobby GQ. We were just talking about when you first met him. Oh my goodness, Bobby GQ. We were just talking about that backstage. A lot of people don't know this, but Bobby GQ actually that name came from our past co-host. Met o actually called him Bobby GQ and all of a sudden he showed up one day and his name was Bobby GQ and it's been there ever since.
BobbyGQ:
2:24
Yeah, I miss Meta O. I don't know where she's at.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
2:29
I'll tell her you said that and maybe she'll come back in for a while.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
2:32
Yes, I know she's awesome. She's probably staying warm. She's probably all bundled up because there's snow in Ohio right now, I'm sure.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
2:38
I don't think so.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
2:40
So is it like summertime?
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
2:41
it's like summertime no, it's not summertime, but I think it was like getting down to like 50 tonight or something okay, all right, still too cold for me.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
2:50
Well, Bobby, we're so glad that you that you wanted to come out and share part of your story with us. So, before we go into your story, I would I would love if you could just tell us a little bit about Bobby GQ who Bobby GQ is in horizon and what do you like to do in Horizon Worlds. What have you loved to do in Horizon Worlds, I guess? How long have you been on here in Horizon Worlds? I got so many questions.
BobbyGQ:
3:12
I you know I was trying to figure that out myself. I think it's been about three years or something like that.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
3:18
Yeah, that makes sense. That sounds right yeah.
BobbyGQ:
3:20
Yeah, but I, you know, I got the headset so I can make some friends. You know, I found a great Christian community in here and I couldn't ask much better for friends here.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
3:30
They're so positive all the time.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
3:35
It's irritating, tell us who's the? Most irritating. No, I'm just kidding, I'll keep that one to myself.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
3:42
Good idea, I'm like.
Deeenr (Producer):
3:45
I ain't no, I choose.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
3:46
Yeah, it's a good idea, Mr Hillary B won't you come a little closer to the mic? You're kind of behind us.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
3:54
Let's get you up. Okay, I was trying not to block you.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
3:57
It's all right. You're good when I'm up here.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
3:58
I can't Okay, there you go.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
4:02
All right. Well, Bobby, yeah, I agree. Like the community, can you guys relate? Throw some confetti if you guys love the community here in Horizon Worlds you guys have made good friends and, yes, okay, we have two people out there that have friends, three people that have friends. All right, lost virtually.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
4:24
He probably doesn't have for them.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
4:25
No, I'm just kidding. He's giving you thumbs up on it.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
4:28
He's like you get me, you really get me.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
4:30
You get me, you get me. So what made you like when you, when you've been in this community, what would you say? You felt safe here in Horizon Worlds?
BobbyGQ:
4:43
And and has it always been like that yeah. Yeah, it's always been, yeah, been, yeah. I mean there's, I don't know how you can feel danger. You, it's not like you can touch me and so that's good, I'm glad I'm.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
4:54
I like I like to say, because I know some people have concerns about coming into the space because of that. So, uh, so yeah, I'm glad that. Well, okay, so in your application I want to go ahead and get into your story, Bobby. Uh, in your application I want to go ahead and get into your story, Bobby. In your application, you mentioned that your story blindsided you and that healing began when you started to uncover memories in a therapy session. So would you kind of just open this up by sharing what that journey has looked like for you, what kind of therapy you're talking about and what do you mean, what kind of therapy you're talking about and what do you mean about, um, the uh, like the blindsided you, or yeah, they were.
BobbyGQ:
5:32
They were um repressed memories that I had suppressed over the years. Um you, what happens is is when you're young or you experience something that's um too much for you to, you'll dissociate and your brain will make you forget it, or you'll, at least you know, you'll convince yourself it was a bad dream, it wasn't real. You know those type of things and you'll allow yourself to push that down into your subconscious, where you don't have knowledge of it, but your mind and body will. There's a book called the Body Keeps the Score, and it's all about that. You know. I mean you will still react, especially when you experience triggers. You know that's so when, sometimes, when people look at you the right way, or you know something happens when people look at you the right way, or you know something happens, like a car accident, you get in a car accident, maybe with a school bus, and then every time you see a school bus.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
6:38
After that you have a panic attack. You know that kind of thing, but in my situation.
BobbyGQ:
6:41
There was so much trauma that I was just reactive all the time, just full of anxiety, couldn't concentrate unwanted, intrusive thoughts, you know. I was getting so bad to a point where I thought I was going to either have a stroke or a heart attack. So when I, that's what drove me to pick up the phone and find a therapist, and I got lucky. She's what they call a trauma or abuse therapist, and she has lots of experience and she saw more in me than I knew about myself at that point.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
7:14
Wow.
BobbyGQ:
7:15
Yeah, wow.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
7:18
Yeah, that's so important, isn't it? Because if a therapist is not trauma-informed, then they can actually do more damage to you right?
BobbyGQ:
7:25
If a therapist is not trauma informed, then they can actually do more damage to you, right? I think so. Yeah, I think if they're not trained right, you know, they could really leave you hanging Like we was doing therapy and she forgot to contain me because we run out of time and the rest of that day I was walking around all angry not trying to keep myself down, you know. So if they, if they do, um, they do have a big responsibility and um, yeah, wow, that's so interesting.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
8:01
Did you what, um, what made you decide to like this, to have this courage to come and share what you're going to share with us about these buried or suppressed memories and stuff like that? What, what, what brought to your attention like, hey, I want to come and talk about this well, my friends in here, um, the ones that know me the longest, probably could see.
BobbyGQ:
8:46
I mean, you guys have known me for a while and you could probably see the negative behaviors that I was exhibiting, and so whenever I'd have an interaction, you know, if they didn't respond right or they didn't, or they just walked away, I would feel abandoned. You know, I would just go off on this trip. But it's all in my head. I don't know what it looks like from the outside looking in, but on the inside I was tore up, and so I needed to leave for a while until I got therapy.
BobbyGQ:
9:23
I texted you and told you that I was going to take a break, you know, in order to preserve my friendship in here, and so I decided to go through the therapy. I mean, I've only been in therapy for about four months and the particular type of therapy that my counselor does is called EMDR therapy and it works real well with PTSD and depression and all that anxiety and those memories that are in your subconscious. They, once they start surfacing you and you start dealing with it, you become really, uh, reactive and, um, that EMDR therapy uses this uh psychological technique with eye movement to desensitize you to the trauma and reprocess it with positive beliefs. So it moves from your lower brain, where you're immediate, emotionally reactive, into your upper brain, where it's more like a photo album. So you're like, oh yeah, that's, that's a memory, yeah, but you don't react to it anymore so given the volume of my trauma.
BobbyGQ:
10:36
Uh, I was complex PTSD. She never actually gave me that diagnosis, but the the therapy is so effective that it's been downgraded to just regular PTSD. And so that's how I can sit here now, only four months later, and be able to talk about it without being so emotionally reactive.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
10:59
Wow yeah.
BobbyGQ:
10:59
It's crazy, do you?
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
11:01
feel a difference like day to day and how you react to things as well.
BobbyGQ:
11:07
Oh yeah, the things that I used to react to I don't react to anymore. I'm still doing therapy but I mean, it just gets better every day, wow yeah.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
11:18
That's so beautiful, Bobby, like that makes me so happy for you too, because you know what a prisoner you must have felt like before, to your own, like emotions and thoughts and everything, and to like see you experience this freedom. It's such a beautiful thing.
BobbyGQ:
11:36
Oh man, I'm telling you that, based on the way I was feeling, till now I didn't even know what normal felt like. I've been so reactive my whole life, so when I started coming down, it was kind of funny. Till now I didn't even know what normal felt like. I've been so reactive my whole life, so when I started coming down, it was kind of funny my therapist every session for a while.
BobbyGQ:
11:54
She's like just don't quit. You know it gets better. And I'm like how can I get even better? I mean I'm feeling awesome. Yeah, I was really really hyper.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
12:07
But yeah it's, it's amazing. I want to say, Bobby, like I think it, you know, just like it's takes courage to come in and talk about your story. It also I mean it took courage for you to send me that text. I mean I remember when I got that text and I said you know we'd be praying for you and you got definitely got to take care of yourself and they'll let us know if you need anything. And it is like, but it meant a lot to me, like I think that's such an important thing to have that awareness.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
12:32
Something's not, something's off, something's not right, yeah, and it. You know it might not be suppressed you know things like suppressed memories or anything like that but it might. It could be like little things like me and Mr KillerB have talked about that, even with, like digital stuff, like there's things like that we're trying to become more aware of and say, wait a minute, something's not right. Let's, let's process this, let's talk about it. Because really talking about it helps bring attention and, uh, tension on what might be going on and allows us to get other insight. But at the same time, usually when we start talking about it, we find out that other people have had similar situations or or can relate in some way, or they feel like I was the only one. I only felt like I was. I thought only I went through this.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
13:21
Uh, can you explain this a little bit as we work? I want to rewind just a little bit, just kind of way. I'm very clear on this. When you gave like the example of like like a car wreck with like a school bus, so when you're saying like a suppressed memory, you're meaning like like I'm driving past a school bus but something doesn't feel right. You know I feel tense or whatever, or whatever that feeling might be, but I don't know why, like I don't know why I feel that way, because it's I've buried it so deep because of this trauma that I don't even recognize that's a trigger. Is that correct?
BobbyGQ:
13:58
Right, right, yeah. Even though you don't remember, your body and your mind does. And so when you see that bus, that's a trigger, and the trigger is what your mind and body is reacting to, even though you're not conscious of the memory is what your mind and body is reacting to, even though you're not conscious of the memory, and so you get hypervigilant, fight or flight.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
14:21
you know ADHD, anxiety, you know that kind of thing panic, yeah, so you may not know why?
BobbyGQ:
14:24
but that's what's happening.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
14:26
It's a protective measure that your brain does that right Like you suppress memories because it's too painful and your brain knows you can't handle that every day remembering that right. Is that the reason why?
BobbyGQ:
14:39
Yeah, yeah. You know, this is the way me and my therapist. She's a nice Christian woman. She's really, I mean, I'm blessed that way. She's wonderful. But you know how? The Bible says that he'll never give you anything or let you go through anything you can't handle. Yeah, yeah. So that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that your mind protects you from trauma that you can't deal with, and so you'll dissociate, you'll lose consciousness of the event, but your body and mind is still going through it. But you're conscious. Your, your person is not if that makes any sense.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
15:21
Yeah, and so what, what.
BobbyGQ:
15:23
What happened with me is over the years, you know, in my mid forties I'm 45 now these memories, as she started to calm my mind and open up that extra real estate in my brain, that's when the memory started coming up, and those were memories that I've been having over the years Like, oh man, that's, that ain't real. I made that up. It was a bad dream, you know, and then I I would actually feel it go back down into my subconscious and um, go back down into my subconscious and yeah, and.
BobbyGQ:
15:56
But going through therapy she taught me what to look for a memory with the body trigger.
BobbyGQ:
16:00
Like for example, my bed. I didn't even know until we did an EMDR session on it, but my bed was actually a trigger in and of itself. So when I would lay down at night I'd get really anxious, I'd get racing thoughts. I can't stop thinking. You know negative thought loops, intrusive thoughts. So I didn't talk about it in here very much. You know I wasn't necessarily ashamed of it, it just isn't a topic of conversation. But I was smoking pot to relax and try and get to sleep, get my mind off of those symptoms. But those symptoms were triggers. That that was the bed was the trigger in my body was reacting to it.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
16:39
So when we?
BobbyGQ:
16:40
did the EMDR session on one of them. I can't even remember which one. I've done so many, but one night I laid down after it. That night I laid down after it to go to bed and I was like Holy cow, my bed feels different, like it felt like a whole different bed. It was crazy.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
16:58
Wow, and I've, I've been sleeping great ever since.
BobbyGQ:
17:01
Oh, that's beautiful and that's where most of my trauma happened in my lifetime was in my bed, in my bedroom, so probably the most vulnerable spot you can ever have one, you know, have trauma happen.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
17:15
Yeah. So and I, and I told Bobby, like, feel free to share what, what he wants to share. So, as I said, you know, if anybody's here you know this might, like this might be a lot more difficult to hear, so I just want to put that out there one more time before we continue. Uh, Bobby, like how did, can you take me to? Like the? I know you're not a therapist, so like can you, how did? What was your like? What was the initial thoughts when you started going down this? Like, like, when some of these suppressed memories started, like you started realizing like hey, there, this isn't just something I've made up, this is, there's something real here. And because I could see how it'd be very hard. First off, I think it's pretty amazing that your mind can do that, that your mind can say hey, can shut something off, but we know God's created us.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
18:08
And it's just what he can do. Like what he's done is just amazing, but to protect you. So it's like what was it like when you started realizing these are real thoughts and did it freak you out? At first I've been like this is freaking me out, like going through a therapy session like that. That's just me personally.
BobbyGQ:
18:28
Yeah, well, they were. Well, I had already done, convinced myself that they were a bad dream or I made it up and it's not real. And so, when I was getting those memories with the body reaction, that's what she taught me to look for when this stuff comes up. So here I am, having this memory pop up that I thought was a bad dream or it wasn't real. And I was like no, Marie told me that's my therapist, her name's Marie, she, she told me that if I have the memory with the, the, the body symptoms, I, you know that that's it. And so I made, I made a conscious decision to say okay, yeah, that's real. And when I did that, it brought it right into my consciousness. And, boy, I'm telling you, there were times I texted her and was like I think we need to take care of this, like right now.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
19:25
Because it was tough.
BobbyGQ:
19:28
But she gave me some therapy tools. You know she got a lot of bilateral stimulation where you stimulate both sides of the hemispheres of your brain. There's this one technique that really helps a lot. It's called the butterfly technique. You cross?
BobbyGQ:
19:44
your arms like a mummy, and put your hands on your arms and what you do is you think about a positive image, something that brings you joy or makes you happy, and for me that's the view of earth from space and so you focus on that and you just tap left, right, left, right while you're breathing, and after about 10, 15 seconds you give yourself a hug and you let the breath out slowly, and you'd be amazed how the anxiety just will leave the breath out slowly and you'd be amazed how the anxiety just will leave, really.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
20:17
So you're experiencing a stressful situation. You can just do that like cross your arms, like that is that? You're saying like like that, yeah, yeah.
BobbyGQ:
20:22
It's hard to do it in horizon worlds, but you just put your hands on your arms and you just tap left, right, left right take a deep breath left right, let it out left right let you know, and down, take another breath, let it out and then take a deep breath, left right let it out, left right let you know. And down, take another breath let it out and then take a deep breath, hug yourself and then just relax and let it. Let it go. Wow, and it does.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
20:41
It works every single time at least for me it does. Yeah, no, that's, that's awesome. I'm glad you shared that. That's very interesting.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
20:48
I just want to say this real fast. What's that?
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
20:51
Have you ever heard of that before?
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
20:53
No, no, I haven't Not at all. But I just want to say real quick that that's really beautiful to me because my grandpa, who I was very close to, the first time he ever saw the footage of the Earth rising over, let's see, I guess it would have been the moon. So, um, when the first time there was ever footage from space of the earth kind of rising, you know, from behind the moon, my grandpa saw that and when he told me about it he cried and I've always remembered that he just thought that was just such an amazing thing. And so it's really cool that that's like the image that brings you joy is seeing the earth from space. And I just wanted to tell you that because that's like a really special memory for me and I thought that was really neat that you said that.
BobbyGQ:
21:40
Yeah, that's nice, that's cool.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
21:43
It's really cool.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
21:45
So, Bobby, like when you're going through the therapy, does the therapist like I've never went through therapy before the therapy? Does the therapist like I've never went through therapy before and and, uh, and I'm, it's pretty. It's pretty cool because, like I've had more and more people come up to us that's been very open and we've learned uh, you know, they went through therapy. I think you actually even met olivia shared here early on that she was going through therapy and she said she shared that as a christian, it was really hard for her to go into that role because she felt like that was not the Christian thing to do and like she needed to be able to handle this and trust God. And I remember back at that time her sharing that even Josh Wilson shared about going through therapy, different types of therapy.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
22:27
But I'm curious, like so when you're going through this, like they don't really, they don't like ask you, have you dealt with this? Have you dealt with this? This is like a process of you kind of recognizing there's something here, like you said, like when you're, when you went to the bed, it was like a trigger. You would feel anxiety or whatever it may have been. And that's like, do they share anything, or do you just? You guys, just how do you walk down that path?
BobbyGQ:
22:55
What does that look like? Well, she taught me what some of the symptoms are and how to recognize it. You know, like there was a particular position in my bed. Let me, let me explain my trauma that way that they can go right ahead.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
23:07
Yes, please.
BobbyGQ:
23:10
So this is pretty dark. So I don't want to hurt you know, hurt anybody's feelings. But this my dad, right off the bat, from the time I was infant on up until at least when my parents got divorced when I was 10, he would drug and molest me in the home and then at about age seven he prostituted me to a bunch of pedophiles, made a bunch of money several times and then at eight years old, my grandmother of all people molested me for about a year and then, to top it all off, after my mom died in 21, I came down to be with my dad and to finish out him to be the good son, like that, and he ended up raping me in his house just a couple of years ago at 43. And so I'm 45 now.
BobbyGQ:
24:09
So that's my trauma. I know it's a lot and most people just don't know what to say or they even apologize and they have nothing to do with it. And I get it. You know it's hard, it's hard on the heart, but that's the wonderful thing about this therapy. With that trauma therapy, the EMDR, it's literally like not in my lower brain anymore, it's in my upper brain, where the executive functioning, the uh, the reasoning center. Um, so I I can think about it now and not be reactive.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
24:39
So yeah.
BobbyGQ:
24:41
So can you explain?
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
24:42
can you explain again the lower, like what's the difference of it being in your lower brain and your upper brain? Again, can you explain that again?
BobbyGQ:
24:49
You have. You have two brains. You have an upper brain and a lower brain. Your lower brain is responsible for the immediate, what's happening in the immediate right now emotional. So this is when people like you look at them, or you say something, or your tone is a little off, and then they snap and then argue with you or go off on a tangent. Argue with you or go off on a tangent. So that's what happened, is, you did something that triggered their memory in their lower brain and their mind and body is now reacting to it and that's why they act immediately, just like that.
BobbyGQ:
25:25
Your upper brain is where your long term memory is, executive, higher reasoning, where you guys live most of the time. But for somebody that has experienced child sexual abuse, they kind of live in their lower brain, or they at least have that trauma and so they become ADHD, hypervigilant, anxiety, you know those kinds of symptoms. So that's something to look after if you see that your kid is being exceptionally over the top, you know, emotionally reactive.
BobbyGQ:
26:02
That's a big sign something happened. So I would highly recommend that you keep a close eye on your kids and who they're with and where they go. Because if they start acting funky like that there's probably something you need to get them into therapy and see if you can uncover that wow, yeah oh yeah, so I forgot what we were talking about now, but no that was exactly right.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
26:27
He was asking just clarification because, you know, I don't think we learn a whole lot about what the different parts of our brain do, so that's fascinating to talk about. You know, I've definitely never heard that before, but that's so interesting. Yeah, our brains are so complex.
BobbyGQ:
26:45
Yeah, it is. It's crazy. And this, this therapy, this, this EMDR, eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing, it's, it has to do it. It's research based, as far as I understand, and they really don't psychologically know exactly how it works. They just know that there's evidence or the results. You know people are getting help. Let me let me explain that. I printed this out off of the UK website about um on p oh yeah, thank you it says, if I can read it, it's really small.
BobbyGQ:
27:20
It says one study showed that 90 of single trauma victims no longer have p after only oh, oh, he might have had to lift up his headset.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
27:36
Oh, there he goes.
BobbyGQ:
27:37
Yep, okay, yeah, so we lost you guys the entire time. That was crazy, okay.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
27:44
So do you know what happened?
BobbyGQ:
27:46
I lifted up my headset, just like you guys said.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
27:52
So that whole time you were trying to get back in here then no, I was just standing here you guys were like oh, he coined out.
BobbyGQ:
27:59
I don't know. We'll wait for him.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
28:01
Yes, of course we'll wait for you. So what we heard is what I think I heard is 90% of people with a single incidence of trauma. After one session of this kind of therapy, they were able to get out of PTSD. Is that the first thing you said?
BobbyGQ:
28:18
90 of this study. Um, it says. One study showed um up to 90 of single trauma victims no longer have PTSD after only three sessions.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
28:32
Three sessions, wow yeah, that's amazing. So that's how effective this EMDR therapy is.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
28:38
Wow, that's crazy. No, I'm sorry, go ahead.
BobbyGQ:
28:43
There's a couple more here. Another study found that 100% of single trauma victims and 77% of multiple trauma victims no longer were diagnosed with PTSD only after six sessions. Wow. Yeah, and another one 77% of combat veterans are free or were free of PTSD in 12 sessions. Wow, that's amazing, that's huge, that is amazing, yeah, and for me it's been 100% effective. Every single EMDR session has stuck and it feels permanent.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
29:31
Yeah, I actually feel normal for once in my life, so beautiful, you know, Bobby one of my friends is going through that right now too.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
29:40
I didn't realize it was the same thing until you said the the eye movement, the rapid eye movement part, because that's how, that's how it was explained to me. So I didn't know. Emfd, is that what you called it?
BobbyGQ:
29:55
that's how it was explained to me, so I didn't know, emfd, is that what you called it?
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
29:59
EMDR, emdr. Well, I hadn't heard it that way so I didn't realize, until you said that. But yeah, I have a friend who's doing that right now.
BobbyGQ:
30:06
Yeah, so that gives me a lot of hope. You know what Marie told me, my therapist what's up? She told me that she was taught when she was trained that to not do EMDR on a victim that has an open case. You want to know why? Why? Because you don't want them getting on the stand in front of the judge and jury acting like it's no big deal.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
30:29
I could see that.
Deeenr (Producer):
30:30
I can see that.
BobbyGQ:
30:32
Yeah, so it's better to keep them emotionally reactive for their sake, you know, until they get it over.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
30:37
it's kind of sad, but so that, like, at least justice can be done.
BobbyGQ:
30:42
That makes sense right, you don't, yeah, you don't want them getting up there acting all nonchalant like it's no big deal and and it happened they wouldn't like on their case.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
30:51
Yeah yeah, because they wouldn't, people wouldn't believe them, right like uh it's it doesn't seem like it's really affecting him.
BobbyGQ:
30:57
That's interesting, oh yeah, he, he, he raped me. And then you're sitting there having a bonbon, you know, drinking some iced tea or something you know, it's uh wow.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
31:05
Yeah, wow, are you and your dad talking still, or like what's happening now?
BobbyGQ:
31:17
No, I don't even go into the state, you know, because, even though the trauma is over, my emotions aren't. I'm still hurt, I'm still betrayed, I am still depressed about the whole thing.
BobbyGQ:
31:31
Yes, and I just can't believe he would do something like that. You know I'm his son. Why in the world would somebody do that? You know? Yeah, and nowadays, when I like this morning I was at Denny's having breakfast and I was on my way out and I don't know how old this little kid was he's probably three at the at the most, and I he had he was.
BobbyGQ:
31:52
Besides the fact he was cute I think all kids are cute, but his eyes he's just all eyes and his mom he was following his mom and his eyes were just on his mom and I just got so emotional, you know, holding the door open for him. And I forgot why I'm talking about that, but I just I look at him and I just I'm thinking to myself there's no way. I don't understand why that would happen.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
32:15
How someone could hurt a child. Yeah, yeah.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
32:19
That's why you started talking about that, because you're talking about your dad. How could he do that? How? Could someone hurt a child, and their own child especially, yeah, so yeah, I go in and out of angry, sad, depressed.
BobbyGQ:
32:35
I was OK. Let me tell you my diagnosis here. I was bipolar, obviously I think I had made that pretty clear at one point. But now I'm PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. So I'm working on it. So I'm working on it.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
33:02
And do you, do you see?
BobbyGQ:
33:02
like in the future, that you could be free of PTSD and depression as well, like as you continue with your therapy. Absolutely yeah, I mean this has been so effective. It amazes me. I really didn't know if I'd be able to get off a disability over it. You know it's really incapacitated my ability to maintain tenure at work and that was my argument when I was applying for disability to the judge. You know it's like your Honor. You asked for 15 years of previous experience and out of the 15 years, I average about two jobs a year. In fact, one year I had six W-2s I had to file you know, because that's how many jobs I got.
BobbyGQ:
33:38
I just cannot keep a job, yeah, and normally what it was is I would be triggered by my supervisor or my co-workers by something you know, their attitude, the way they were acting or treating me, and everything goes downhill from there. Sure, and then the depression. I would either so my work ethic wasn't bad, nobody ever complained about my work, it was always my attitude or I would no, call no, show out, sure, stay in bed for two weeks at a time.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
34:11
Sure at a time.
BobbyGQ:
34:13
So I asked him to approve my request to be on disability so I can have a chance to explore therapy and my options, which it took me four or five years to get there. But because I actually thought I was damaged goods. That's why I didn't actually seek out. Well, I did. I was on Seroquel for a while, which is how he was able to rate me in my adult uh, you know, just a couple of years ago, because I was taking 400 milligrams of Seroquel a day. So I'd take a hundred milligrams at night and then 300 at night, two to 300. And it has a um, a tranquilizing effect. So that's how he was able to do it. And then one morning I did wake up and I was like, no, that didn't happen. I mean, come on, I'm 43. No, so that was a bad. I made up another one, you know, and so I suppressed it and got up out of bed and you know, went on about my day Like it never even happened.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
35:14
Wow, wow, oh, wow, you know, went on about my day like it never even happened. Wow, wow, oh, wow. Well, yeah, you know, I think that I, I, you know, like you said, like I don't think people really know what to say because I mean, we are sorry and and uh, I'm so glad to hear the help like and the how how much this has helped you, like, like what you're going through, like it's.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
35:37
You know, when you reach out to me, I was like wow, like this is, this is deep, but, man, it's. So. I think it's so important to talk about because, as we've we've already met several people in here behind these avatars that we really don't know what their life is like outside the avatar and and we can come in here in this space. You know, and Bobby, like you, never came off to me like he's, like he's like staying away from us or like doesn't? I never saw that, I never, I never saw that. So, uh, yeah, I never saw that. But but I might be naive, I don don't know. But I'm always like Bobby down here. Okay, I'm going to go down and say hi to Bobby. Hey, Bobby, it's probably because I'm in here just trying to. You know we're trying to get the show ready and stuff like that. So I probably didn't see it. But when you come to the men's thing, I never saw it there.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
36:29
But there's people that I have met in here that you're like something's off, something doesn't seem right, or or they're getting very, you know, like little things are upsetting them, even though you're trying to work through those and say hey, like I don't know, like we didn't mean it this way or you know why are you taking it this way? But to realize there's triggers like that, that again, we don't know what these avatars are going through. And what you just said there was what I love about you wanting to come and share this was obviously we love you, Bobby, and we love you know. Like I said, I think you're right three years, because I met you a little bit after we started in here. Um and but what you said there, I was like to have you come and share this. I think it's so important and powerful because we don't know what other people are going through. But what you said just there. You said you felt like you were damaged goods. I did, yeah.
BobbyGQ:
37:24
That's why I didn't get help. See, and I think that a lot of people can probably relate to that. I was just taking the psychiatry at that point, the drugs.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
37:36
And I think that there's probably even more people in here that feel like that and they might not show it at all because they're very, maybe they're very extroverted and they're trying to get the attention and feel important and needed, but behind, really deep down, when they take off these headsets, they have this feeling of not being good enough or damaged goods, and that's important for us to remember as we make more connections on here. I see we have somebody that's going to bring up the mic. Deeenr, we have no Thumb Gamer. I got the name right this time. Welcome to KillerB Studios. No Thumb Gamer. Would you like to share a thought or ask a question for Bobby?
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
38:16
Yeah. So, Bobby, firstly, I just want to say that I love and respect you so much for sharing your story. I went through something extremely similar as a child and we'll talk about that later if you want to.
BobbyGQ:
38:31
I mean, I don't feel sure enough to share it, like you did, I would love to.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
38:41
But the one thing I want to I mean, I don't feel sure enough to- share it like you did love to um. Yeah, but the one thing that's partly my purpose yeah, I'm, I'm not. I'm not quite brave enough yet, but um, did your dad suffer trauma as well, or? Um? Was you his first, his first instance? Like? Was he abused as a child himself or as an adult before you was born?
BobbyGQ:
39:00
I, I think my personal belief is that, yes, he did, which is why he is the way he is. I mean, he's a, he's a narcissist now and he's really shut off his humanity and doesn't care, or at least on the outside he doesn't care. But I, I truly believe, because his mother, my grandmother, you know, did her thing with me, and so I truly believe, you know, at a young age he decided to dissociate from his parents and start calling them by their first name. He wouldn't call them mom and dad, and so he would call them by their first name. And the whole family thinks that he's an odd duck, even his neighbors do. And so, yeah, between him his mom with the sexual abuse and his dad with the psychological, mental, physical, emotional abuse I think it just foobarred him to be honest, abuse, I. I think it just foobarred him to be honest, and I think that's what caused him to, uh, to do this, to do that, this.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
39:59
To me, you know, I mean, that doesn't give him a good enough reason, but I was just, I was just interested because it turned out that, um, I didn't know this until very recently that my father was abused by his father, but in a different way.
BobbyGQ:
40:12
Um, there were some similarities, but not many but yeah, I think that's what they call the cycle of abuse, you know it just goes over, and over again, wow but it stops. I'm not going I'm not going to continue the cycle myself.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
40:30
Yeah yeah, yeah, because you're healing that trauma and you can stop the cycle. It's in your power to stop it. I love that, yeah.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
40:38
Yeah, I love that and thank you, yeah, thank you no thumb gamer for for coming up and asking that and sharing that as well. Um so, Bobby, I know I want to. We'll kind of get ready to wrap up and we want to definitely get everybody up here and take a photo together, but I want to ask you a few more questions If you're good on time. You good on time right now.
BobbyGQ:
40:59
Oh yeah, we can take all night if you want, okay.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
41:06
Yeah, I would, but you plugged in.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
41:08
You're like I'm plugged in, I'm good, I'm good to go. Okay, well, first I guess to go. Uh, okay, well, first, I first I guess. I want to just ask you know, are, would you say today that you're, that you feel safer?
BobbyGQ:
41:20
I, I go in and out of it, you know um, because there's a lot of there's trauma bonding. I mean there is so much to talk about here, it's, it's it's a pity that we don't have a whole lot of time. But, um, yeah, I feel, feel there's times I feel unsafe because you know what he was involved in and what he did to me. It's like you know. I mean, how far does this reach go? Who does he know? So you start thinking like that and you go in and out.
BobbyGQ:
41:48
But the good thing is is once you get the therapy and you start making progress, that that paranoia goes away is once you get the therapy and you start making progress that that paranoia goes away. So, and that's you know you're, you're um the description in this uh event where you said there is hope, there is uh.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
42:03
You know I forget how you said it but it was right there, on the very end. There's hope, there's help, and you don't have to be alone.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
42:11
That's it yeah, yeah there's hope and you don't have to be alone. That's it, yeah.
BobbyGQ:
42:14
Yeah, there's hope, there's help and you don't have to be alone. Yeah, that's my whole point for sharing. It wasn't for me to have a pity party about the, the abuse, it was more to talk about that. There there is therapy that is super effective. You just need to find the right therapist for your situation and also you know there's this stigma and shame that comes with me being a guy in this situation.
BobbyGQ:
42:42
The statistics are for females one in four. There's one in four women have been abused or are survivors of CSA child sexual abuse or even as an adult. And men, it is one in six, so it's almost half and half.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
42:59
Yeah, wow, but you don't hear men talk about it as often, right?
BobbyGQ:
43:04
No, they don't report nearly as much. There's a whole lot more shame. I mean, as a man, what do you do? You can't talk to your friends, you can't say anything to anybody, you know what do you do you say yeah, my wife was beating me at home or emotionally abusing me in some way?
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
43:20
Yeah, yeah. It's like an attack on your identity as a man. Yeah.
BobbyGQ:
43:24
As a man, and so that's a huge reason why I wanted to talk about it publicly is to encourage any man that might be listening to download the app, the meta horizon app, and message me. You know, let's talk. Oh, that's good, and women too, you know. But there is the, the fear factor with male and female, but that's the nice thing about horizons is we can have this conversation and you don't have to be afraid of anybody touching you or anything you can. All you hear is their voice.
BobbyGQ:
43:55
So as long as you're not triggered by a man's voice, we can still have that conversation but that is an important thing too.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
44:01
Like you said earlier, Mr k, you have to really make sure that it's somebody that is like knows what they're doing because you said it could be damaging too but like to be able to make connections and hear people and and build, build friendships. And and then, Bobby, like you said, you connect them with. You know, you, you have a therapist that you're working with and you, you know some things that you can help encourage people, like what to look for, and I love that, I love that you, you want to come and do that, and especially for men too, like that, like you said, that would be a really hard thing, and I'm actually kind of shocked by this.
BobbyGQ:
44:38
That too I would. I would love to. I would love to have a support group for survivors to come in here. You know we we can talk, we have closed sessions, we have privacy. We can sit here and support each other. That's about all I can offer right now. But, one of my things is my future looks bright. I can totally see myself doing something and being productive.
BobbyGQ:
44:59
That's awesome and that's exciting I haven't been able to see that in a long time, and so I've been preaching EMDR. You know, I want to get a shirt that says I'm an EMDR junkie, you know. But uh, I I'm so motivated that, uh, you know, I want to. What I want to do is I want to become a a trauma-informed life coach and bring e in here. You know, get the ball. You know, make a, make a world and make the ball and have them. You know, perform.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
45:28
Oh, that's one that service in here, yeah, that's so cool I'd
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
45:31
like to see if it would work. Yeah, wow, yeah, I love that, Bobby, I love that and it's drug-free.
BobbyGQ:
45:38
You don't have to do any drugs to get better. It's beautiful.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
45:42
That's incredible.
BobbyGQ:
45:43
You could pay $150 per pill if you like, but it wears off, you know. This EMDR it don't wear off yeah.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
45:57
It's awesome. Well, I love that, Bobby, and thanks for being so vulnerable and open to share this with us. Um, I was gonna ask you like, but you kind of just did it right there well, I was gonna say like, what would you say to someone out there, especially a man? Is what I wrote down? Especially a man? What?
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
46:08
would you say?
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
46:08
to someone that might feel ashamed to ask for help.
BobbyGQ:
46:13
Well, there's there's hope, there's help, and you don't have to be alone.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
46:22
Well, where are you?
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
46:23
now, Like, where are you now with your mindset? You said you know you shared earlier about, you know you felt like damaged goods. Where, would you say, your mindset is now in regards to yourself?
BobbyGQ:
46:40
would you say your mindset is now in regards to yourself, my, um, I, before I, I didn't think I figured that was the way it was going to be. I was going to be on disability, I'd be taking, you know, medication and seeing a psychiatrist once a month or once a week or whatever, um, but now I, I really do see that after a while I mean, I'm not yet. I've only been in therapy for four months and I have made amazing progress, and it's I. I really think that there's a chance that I can be a productive person of society again.
NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A):
47:11
I really do. It's so awesome.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
47:14
Yeah, wow, well, I can definitely, can definitely tell you like I can hear a different energy in your voice, that's for sure absolutely, thank you, and I and I love it I love it. I mean, yeah, I mean, and you're wearing skinny jeans and everything.
BobbyGQ:
47:25
Now it's like what the heck, who is this guy.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
47:28
He's really fitting. He's really leaning to the GQ of Bobby now yeah, really, really.
BobbyGQ:
47:35
I tried to tone it down a little bit. You know the handsome stuff really does. You got to think about that. I'm going to ask you did you have a?
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
47:46
did you have a question, d? I saw the light was on there, so I want to make sure you didn't have a question or a thought.
Deeenr (Producer):
47:51
Yeah, you were just ignoring me over there.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
47:55
I just saw this blue light.
Deeenr (Producer):
47:56
I was like, oh, I'm like, this light's been on a while. Um, no, I just wanted to say, you know, I've known you, Bobby, for almost three years and you have always just to me, just like what KillerB said, you just always seemed like a cool guy that you know we had fun hanging out with. So I never saw that side of you that you felt like you were giving off. Um, I, I didn't see it, but you know, but now I am seeing a difference, just like killer KillerB saying like you're, you're in here more, you're hanging out out with us, we're having fun and it's just, it's just really cool to have you back, buddy yeah, I am.
BobbyGQ:
48:38
I am so blessed to have all y'all, all y'all my friends, here. You guys are so special to me right now and I I mean you guys are a lifeline right now and I am so happy and blessed that god has blessed me with y'all in my life. But let me tell you something. You remember the French chat that our little group has. I didn't think about it until Good Soldier said something, but he said are you in the chat? And I was like what chat? You mean messenger? Well, you remember when I left the group. The reason I did is because any time I actually would say something, nobody would respond. And so the abandonment, issues of the betrayal, of my trauma. Like they don't like me, I'm feeling abandoned, and so I left you know Forget them.
Deeenr (Producer):
49:31
Yeah, I do. Yeah, I remember I remember when you left that group and I was wondering why so I? Yeah, I remember I remember when you left that group and I was, I was wondering why. So now, yeah, now we know.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
49:39
Bobby, we're, we're, we're so happy that you came and we're so happy that we've met you and created a great friendship with you in here and and uh, I'm excited, man, for the transformation you're going through. Uh, again.
BobbyGQ:
49:51
Yeah, we can hear it's only gonna get better. Guys, you think I'm doing good now. You wait till next year awesome man.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
49:57
I can't wait, I can't wait to watch it happen yes, I cannot wait me too. Well, Bobby, I thank you so much, man, for joining us tonight. Uh, I guess I'm not gonna ask for a closing thought. Um, I don't think it's necessary.
Shawna (Mrs.KillerB):
50:14
I don't think it's necessary.
Brian (Mr.KillerB):
50:15
This is good. Yeah, this is so good. And you guys we're going to have so next week.
BobbyGQ:
50:21
I just want to encourage. If there's any men out there in Horizons or that are listening to the podcast, please, you know you don't have to be alone. Download the app. My name is Bobby GQ DM me you.
