Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Cup O Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and not as always, I am sick. Though, if you listen frequently, you might find out that I, I've been pretty sick lately. I, uh, I don't sleep anymore. I, I just podcast and go on cruises, and so yeah, I, I, uh, my health has been on decline, but I apologize for my voice, but we're gonna get through today's episode for sure, because this is something I've been excited for about two weeks.I've been in great anticipation of this because a few weeks ago, I recorded with Logan Hufford, and you can check out that episode in the description below, about men's porn addiction and the reality, the tragic reality, of how many men are in sexual bondage, and they just don't know how to speak up about it, don't know how to communicate it.Or don't realize just the unbearable weight of what it is doing to their lives, uh, especially men who are married. But today we're going on the opposite side of the spectrum to how it affects women. Often times it is misconceived that women, you know, they don't watch porn, that they're not addicted to that stuff.Maybe on the worse end, they read a lot of erotic novels. Women are more imaginative than visual consumers when it comes to that kind of content. But that's not always the case. And nowadays, in a time and age where there is so much content online, easily accessible to everyone. I mean, we talked before, there's no ID verification, no age check, nothing, right?Anyone can just go online and watch this stuff. And we know our kids are watching it. I mean, I've The most sad story I ever shared is that an eight year old was hanging out with my friends and I because we were at the pool and he came over and started talking to my buddies and I, asking us questions about that stuff, saying his friends are horny and they're watching porn and he's watching stuff and, you know, it's awful to see and there are so many case studies about how it damages your brain, how it can, we've seen cases of more aggression in rape, in sexual harassment, in people who consume a lot of porn.So there's, there's a ton of devastating effects. And I am so grateful to have our guest here today who is, Going to be very vulnerable and I really commend her bravery on talking about this subject, especially as not just a woman But as a mother a wife and a daughter of God So miss Anna Murby before I ramble on any longer, would you please introduce yourself for us?Okay. Well, thank you so much for the setup. That is definitely Heartbreaking to hear about the eight year old And yeah, you're absolutely right You So many people are hooked on this stuff and it's sad that our kids are too, but a little bit about myself My name is Anna Murby. I am the host of honest Christian conversations podcast I am a fiction author as well I have a couple books that are out now and I'm currently working on publishing my very first novel That I wrote when I was 17 Nice.Most pure form of, yeah, it is, I'm struggling because I really want to update it and spruce it up, but I'm not going to, cause God said, leave it alone. So I'm going to listen. Right. Right. Let's see. I'm a mother. I have five children. My oldest is 17. My youngest will be two and I like to make my own bread.And juices and granola bars. I'm also studying the Russian language. I gotta say the, uh, yeah, yeah. I gotta say making the granola bars and juices goes hand in hand with being a mom because kids love granola bars as a quick snack and they, they love to drink anything other than water. Uh, you know, especially, especially daughters.So definitely important. Yeah, we'll get into it. I mean, we talk about, there's so many levels of, of just this negative stigma of, of shame, of, you know, taboo around women and porn consumption, and then especially to be a mother and wife on top of it, and then especially a Christian on top of that. So, let's start by going back to how this all happened, uh, before you were a mother, before you were a wife, when you were just, you know, Anna.I mean, how did this start? I always say I never remember how I got super addicted. I do remember the only time where I saw actual considered porn. I was 17. My mom was trying to type in a website and she misspelled it by one letter and it sent us to a different website and she freaked out. It was like, don't look, don't look, and I turned away quickly, but I saw something.I don't remember what I saw, but I saw something and it was a bad place. But before that, I did have some molestations with various people in my life ever since I was younger, um, like a child. So I'm pretty sure that might have started my desire to, you know, um, not pursue porn, but just more sexualized, more just all those things that, you know, kids don't usually think about, you know, wanting to kiss people, make out, all those kinds of things.They don't usually think about that unless, you know, maybe something's gone on, but I did watch a lot of TV as a child. I remember having one of those dial TVs. I don't know if you remember those. But you had to twist the dial to look for channels, you got a lot of snow channels and sometimes Playboy or other things might have been involved in those channels.So I kind of sit there trying to look through the wiggles and I don't know what I was looking for. It was just, it was something that appealed to me for some reason and I just stared at it. But at the same time I hated myself for it because I knew it was wrong and I also hated the people doing it. I was judging them.And even while I was knee deep, whatever you want to call it, in my pornography addiction, I was still doing that, I was still being a pharisaical Christian, condemning the people in that and, you know, feeling shame and guilt for what I was doing, because I knew it was wrong, but at the same time saying these people are evil, they need to go to wherever I'm doing, I'm doing the same thing, I'm watching it, I'm promoting it, You know, and yeah, so I don't really know when it started.I just know that as I was an adult, once I hit 18 and had more access to it on my own computer, didn't have to hide it as much because I could do what I wanted as an adult. Having a cell phone, it started amping up and I started watching things I never thought I'd watch. All, all the stuff. Like it can take you down a very dangerous rabbit hole very quickly because you get desensitized really quick.Yeah. Do whatever you're watching and it's not giving you the same hit you always wanted. So you have to look for something else, something harder until what's left. Nothing. Yeah. I get what you're saying. Getting into. More wild erotic content and I want to go back to something you said it's actually something we've discussed on the show a few times No Evidence or case studies just my personal experience with the women in my life the women in my life who had been raped they started seeking sex Very all the all the time and you talked about molestation and kind of it's it's it's true Interesting, because some, a lot of people would think that, you know, if something like that happened, it would cut you off from it.And, uh, maybe that's the case for some people, right? I mean, everyone's different. But, what I've seen a lot is just in my personal life with the women in my life, it's been that they just wanted to, I don't know if it was bury it, or, you know, what it was that caused that drive. But I've seen it where if a woman in my life was raped, she would then Just sleep with every guy like moral boundaries were being crossed like she didn't care just Yeah.Became like a sex addict, and sometimes it was a phase, sometimes it's, some of them are still living that lifestyle. Uh, so it's very interesting, and I've, I remember in high school we watched some videos about children who were molested, and how it really affected their behavior, their mental health.There, you know, some of them, I remember one of the videos was like Child of Rage. It was like a woman had been molested since she was like one years old, which I, I can't even get into how awful, uh, it is to eat. I don't know how people would even think of doing something. Yeah, I know that that really angers me just to think about.I mean, I have a one year old son right now and I'm like, are you kidding me right now? Yeah, it's, it's, it's insane to think and I get what you're saying there, uh, that, it's definitely any content you're exposed to can be a gateway drug, so to speak, where, you know, you started with seeing something, uh, even if it was just a random flash, it gets you curious, like, hey, what's, What's this?Yeah, and I was very sheltered too. So that probably didn't help. Yeah, well, I mean it's same for me. I went to a private Catholic school, you know, and I grew up in a very strict home where, you know, we weren't allowed to curse. My dad really babied us into some degree. It set us up for failure when we transferred to public school because then, you know, And this isn't a bash on public schools, but, um, they're a lot more, uh, open about a lot of stuff compared to private Catholic schools.And so, I think what's important is education and boundaries, not obscuring the truth. Because what happens is then, when you hide the truth you You create this insatiable curiosity, like, oh, what, what, I, you know, I remember, yeah, so I don't want to get into details, but I remember hearing certain words, I'm like, I, what?And then, uh, having misconceptions about stuff, whereas if you're educated, and, and we can get into that as, as a mother, you know, How to address these topics with your kids and it's something I've talked about on the show before which is the the sad Tragic reality of modern society is that we're having to have these conversations with our kids younger and younger because of social media You know, there's so much Yeah, yeah, well a school and social media.Yeah school has always been an issue but with social media Yeah, it's in your face all the time in your face at home You know, especially late at night, and the issue is, even if there's, if it's not porn, social media has so much sexualized content on it. I mean, almost every, not every woman, there's good women on, on social media, but there's a lot of sexualized content, whether that's bikinis, whether that's lingerie, whether that's just a lot of cleavage being shown.There's a lot of that on social media, and they're getting paid for it, and it's being encouraged. So, how do you address social media use with your children with the mindset that you don't want them to go down the same path you did? Well, my oldest is 17. She doesn't live with me. She lives in California.So she's got her social media, but she, I don't follow her if we're being honest, because she's, she's kind of my prodigal child right now. And I love her to bits, but she's going through a little transgender stuff. And. It's leading her down a dark path, so I personally can't follow her because of that, but we're always talking.She, she memes me. I meme her back. We chat, you know, so I still have the communication with her, but she does send me a lot of questionable content. Through our talks and a lot of times for her. I just ignore it. I don't say anything Because I know that's what she wants is for me to give her one of my Christian patent responses She's expecting but she doesn't get I just love her through whatever she's going through But for my others, they don't really have social media.My second oldest is 12 and he's just starting to talk about phones, but his biological father, myself and his stepfather are all like, you don't need a phone. You're not getting a phone. Even if you did, it would be like a flip phone. You're not getting anywhere near the internet. And we clamped down on him a lot anyways, because of a situation that happened where one of his friends from, um, 4th or 5th grade told him about a couple special videos on YouTube that he could watch and he took the kids advice and watched those a couple times last well when he was in 4th grade and I found out did not have the most nice of response because it triggered my, you know, past and he immediately felt guilty.He knew it was wrong and he felt bad. And he, he still sometimes to this day tells me he can't get the images out. And. You know, it's, it's hard to see your kids going through that, but because of that we've clamped down. And if he asks me why we've clamped down, I say, remember what happened. And that's like, that's all I have to say to him.And then he remembers, he knows what I'm talking about and he understands. Well, as much as a kid who doesn't have a cell phone, like all his other classmates can understand. But my other ones, they just, they aren't on the internet. As much as I can, I. I don't want to say shelter them, but I, I guess I shelter them.I sucked it up and I got YouTube premium so they don't have to see any advertisements when they watch their video game content. I filter who they follow on the YouTube. They can only watch it when I'm around. I don't let them on the internet if they're wanting to play on their tablets. I don't. Give them internet access.It stays on airplane mode. You have to ask me if you want wifi and I have to know why you want it. And you have to, you can't have headphones on when you're doing anything. So I set up parameters, but for the most part, I keep them away from social media. And yeah, I'm just like, no, you don't need to be on it.It's toxic. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm sure we got a lot of people listening right now who think that is extremely overboard and kind of, kind of wild. What would you say to that? You know, kind of, can you emphasize the importance of what you're doing, like your reasons behind it? It's important because with my current situation, well, not current, my past situation with my pornography addiction, I saw how easily it took hold of me and had me in a daily habit, sometimes multiple times daily habit.It was toxic. I was hiding it from everybody. Nobody knew I had this problem and I It didn't make me a better person. And for my son, still two, three years later to say he can't get those images out of his head and he only saw them for, A couple times that is a significant enough reason for me to say, you know what, I'm going to clamp down as long as I can clamp down.I mean, he goes to public school. I'm sure he's around certain things, but he doesn't take the bus because he used to take the bus and there's too much traffic. Stuff that he can see. I'm just trying to do my best to keep them as pure as possible. But the thing that I'm doing different from how I was raised is I'm talking to them about things.I'm open and honest with them. They know that I have an addiction to pornography. They know My oldest knows a little more than my others. And as they get older, I tell them what I need to tell them age appropriately. But my son knows why this bothers me. He knows that I have had this problem and he knows that he can ask me anything.And he does a lot of the stuff I'm not prepared for because the stuff I would, didn't grow up knowing about transgender and all this other things that he knows. You know, why are there. Um, why does the teacher have tampons that say it's for everybody to use? And what is a tampon? Like all these things, it's like I have to answer these questions.But there are certain things where I pass it off to his dad, because I'm not a man, so I don't have that. I'm not privy to that information, plus I just don't want to. So, you know, it's like, yeah, go ask your dad that question. I'll give him the heads up. I, I'm, I will. Talk to them about the stuff. I don't just say you can't do all this stuff.It's bad. Sorry, whatever. I give them the option to ask me questions and know that I'll answer them. And I'll answer it honestly. So that's what I would tell people is if you're going to clamp down on your children, you should at least tell them why. And if they come to you and ask something, be willing to talk to them about it.Don't shut them down. And yeah, you don't want to shut them down because then they'll end up like me, a 40 year old who cannot even say. The proper terms for male and female genitalia without feeling really embarrassed, even when she's saying it to her kids who are laughing about it. So, yeah, I think, uh, kind of underlying message there, which is so important, which is, You can clamp down a lot, you know, you can try to restrict them, but they're going to have access to stuff at school and public situations and when they leave the house.So the most important part is building a strong foundation of discipline and knowledge. So they, when they, you know, get faced with this opportunity to access these resources or to, if, even if it's against their will, they're presented with something, they had the discipline and knowledge to say, that's not something I'm interested in, or I don't care.Okay. So I think it's so important to build that strong foundation, uh, which, I have a question regarding that, but I also want to get into, you talked about transparency and vulnerability with your children. For everyone listening who, maybe they've suffered from porn addiction, or they have just consumed a lot of that content, and now they're, they're parenting, how do they go about telling their kids?I mean, did you just sit down with your son and say, hey junior, I got a tell you something or how, what's this? Is there a soft approach? Like how do you just, you know, you don't just walk up to your kid and say, Hey, I, I used to be a porn addict or, or do you do that? Do you, do you have like an AA meeting?The kids are like, you know, I'm your mom, I'm Anna and I'm a porn addict. I used to be a porn addict. No, um, that's funny. I don't really know if I can remember. With my oldest, she's always been headstrong. She's very do whatever she wants. And I would try to. You know, I did this when I was younger. This is not, you know, I don't want you to do that.So I'd use myself as an example when it came up. So when I saw him looking at the stuff that he was looking at and had my overreaction during that time, we discussed. My addiction and why I'm so angry that he saw what he saw and just, I just shared with him what I could at that point, cause he was still young.So I didn't express all of it, but I would just. tell him about it, that, you know, I had this problem for 17 plus years. It's toxic. It hurts, all these things. Like, I just shared what I could. And as they get older and depending on what they're asking me or saying, then I'll tailor what I say according to how they're their age and what they're actually asking of me.So my son is the only one who's in a public school right now. So he asks me a lot of questions and I'm just honest with him or, you know, I just, He just asks me questions. He has no problem really asking me things and I'm just honest with him and I try to be as Not as crass or whatever as possible because he's only 12, but I'm honest with them I have honest conversations with my children and I will leave out certain details if necessary.I mean, my oldest, she knows that when my, um, when I was going through my divorce with her father, that I had cheated on him. Like, I, I just, I will tell them things as they get older and as they pertain to whatever they may be going through or whatever questions they're asking. So, I am more open and honest with them than my family was with their situations with what they were going through or whatever.I'm More willing to have these conversations with them because I see it's necessary. And if I don't have it, I know the world will have it and they'll have it in a way that doesn't point back to God, which is what my ultimate goal is, is to remind them that it's only by God's grace that I'm not in jail for some things that I've done.It's only by God's grace that I'm here with you guys and just remind them that And it's funny because the way I finally came to realize I had an addiction to pornography was with my son, who's now 12, but at the time he was four. So I recently got to share that story with them and he was, you know, he was really happy to find out that God used him that way.And yeah, so it's just. As they get older, they ask questions. If they seem like they need that information, you just tailor it according to how old they are, but be honest with them because honest conversation is what's going to help them realize that you are a safe space and that they can talk to you whenever they need to.One could say, um, Honest Christian Conversation. Shout out to your podcast, Honest Christian Conversation. In the description below you can find that. But I was going to say, you know, you talk about sharing with them the fear you have based on what happened in your life. What could you share with us? What were some of the consequences of your addiction?You, you mentioned, I don't know if it played a part into, into cheating. You talk about, we've talked before about mental health, behavior changes, lying, you know. I just, tell us about all the, all the consequences so we kind of understand like, why it's so bad. For any women listening right now or watching who are like, well I watch porn and you know, it's not destroying my life.It's not always obvious. So could you share with us a little bit about that? Well, this is what's interesting in my situation And I don't know too many other women who have pornography addictions. They are either not telling me or whatever After this, I hope they feel Comfortable to talk to me about it because I'm willing, but for my personal situation, and I know women overall tend to be more emotional.So when we have an affair, it starts out usually not just physical. One day you just start sleeping around. It becomes more of an emotional attachment first, and then it can happen. That's usually how it is. But when it came to my pornography addiction. It was business for me. It was a business transaction.I was there to relieve whatever tension or negative emotions I had. That's all I was there for. Give me what I want and we're done. You know, that, that's just what it felt like. Okay. But it had some mega effects on my mental health because I had always wanted to be loved. I didn't have the best relationship with my father, not because he wasn't trying, but he just, He had this face that made me scared of him.He wasn't angry. Um, he wasn't like a mean, angry person or whatever, but I think I have the same face just resting. They call it the resting B face, but I won't actually call it that. That's just kind of what we have is, you know, we just kind of look angry when we're focused or just not even. So he always seemed like that to me, so I felt really disconnected from him.And then when my parents got divorced when I was 12, I didn't see much of him. And there's various reasons why, but we just didn't have a really good relationship. And daddy issues are a main thing when it comes to women. That's one of the reasons why my daughter is where she is now. She's got them too.But because of that, I don't know. I was searching for love. I wanted to be loved and I had called myself a Christian because I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 12, but I never really felt like he loved me because I was making mistakes. I was doing wrong things. I was trying to be the good one. So I was always doing whatever anyone wanted me to do that I thought would make them happy with me and love me.So it was a chameleon. Wiggling around, doing what I needed to, to make everyone happy, including God. So I was doing all the right things, but I had no idea why. At one point, I just realized I can't do that. I'm not making anyone happy. I'm certainly not making myself happy. So that's where pornography kind of came in.It just, You know, it was like, we'll take you, you know, you have some baggage issues, you've got some anger, you need to relieve some tension and come to us. We'll take care of that. So, my need to be loved, to have all that emotional connection, I kept trying to find a man, didn't find it. I slept with my first husband before we actually got Married and because my family is a Christian family, they didn't like that.They were very upset. My grandpa actually said you were supposed to be the good one, which was like an knife in the heart to me because I felt like I had ultimately ruined my credibility with anybody. I tried to break it off with the man because I knew he was a bad influence on me. He had a whole bunch of issues.But he just wouldn't leave me alone, which is, should have been a really big tip off to me that I really don't want to get involved with him. But it wasn't, apparently, because I had such low self esteem that I just went for him anyways. And that's what pornography does, is it gives you low self esteem, gives you a false reality of what relationships should be like.What. Sex should be like all those things. It's false. It's fake. All of it is fake. But I don't know if that and all the romance movies I watch where they make, you know, sleeping outside of marriage. They make it look so romantic and whatever. I just wanted that. I just wanted to be loved the way I had seen in movies and pornography or whatever.So I ended up marrying this guy and we were only together for three years, but one year in, I already knew I didn't want to be married to him. And he didn't want to get married to him. I was not involved in the preparation for getting married at all. I just didn't want to be involved, whatever. I just, I didn't want my grandpa to hate me anymore because I had slept with this guy first and didn't marry him.So I married him, but he was not, fulfilling needs that a husband is supposed to of the wife. It was all about him and what he wanted, when he wanted all that stuff. So I had to turn to porn to take care of my needs because he wasn't doing it. And then he was also looking at porn, but we weren't looking at it together, but we were both looking at it on our own, on our own computers, talking to other people.And when you're into pornography, it already takes you out of. So on top of that, you probably feel like you can do anything else, which is what I did. I was talking to other people. I was flirting with them, talking dirty, all these things. I had erotica that I was making for some of my friends. from my Christian school and other schools that I had been to and all these other places.I was doing things that I would have never done and I knew were bad and after doing them I'd feel a pit in my stomach. I felt guilty. I felt I hated myself. I loathed myself and what I was doing and I could feel God's condemnation all over me after every single time, which is another thing that pornography does is it beats you down.and makes you feel awful, but it's such an addiction that you just can't stop, which is where I was, is I hated myself for doing this and every single time I would quote unquote repent, but I'd still go back to it, sometimes more than once a day, depending on what my negative emotions were. And I had traded, uh, A healthy lifestyle for, if I'm feeling anything negative, I have to get rid of it.And this is the only way I had trained my brain to believe that pornography was the only way I was going to get rid of my problems, but it never did, which is why I had to keep going back to it. And I had to find something else because this. type was no longer doing it for me that I needed it to. So I just kept moving forward into other stuff.And it just desensitizes you to a lot of different things. It gives you apathy. It makes you more willing to do other stuff. And, uh, out of desperation trying to get out of the marriage. That's why I chose to have an affair because he told me that would be the only way I'd get out, which he decided he wanted to try to fix it afterwards.So I felt even worse because it didn't have the react, it didn't have the result I was looking for. So I went deeper into my pornography addiction because I had more negative emotions I had to get rid of, but it was never fulfilling. It's never going to be fulfilling. It's not meant to, otherwise it wouldn't be a billion dollar industry if it was meant to be fulfilling of what you want it to.So it just brings you to a place where. Nothing else matters except for this and you can do anything you, you, you've lost all your credibility at that point. So why not cheat? Why not, you know, look at pornography with your spouse? All these things, it just turns your brain off. It does not show you what reality is.You have an unhealthy idea of what sex is, is, is very toxic in so many ways. I, I can't, I can't go through all the ways it's so toxic. No, I understand that and I actually have a whole episode dedicated to that called the Destruction of Sexual Intimacy with, uh, Hao. It's spelled G A O but her name is like Hao, uh, Masame.She came on the show and we talked about, uh, A lot of what you just said, the destruction of sexual intimacy destroys, you know, once, and you talk, is it basically like dominoes, you know, once you let down one moral boundary or get desensitized, uh, the rest quickly follow, you know, and in fact, Shakespeare highlighted it with, if you wade through a river of blood, and then you feel guilty and realize you're doing wrong, to turn back or to go forward, you still have to go halfway through blood, uh, but, So many people misinterpret that.It's better to acknowledge what you've done and go back through and have to live through all that than to just keep going on and then, because the point is once you cross that river of blood in that particular play hero, the character goes on to just start killing everyone or in your case if you You know, start watching porn and then you say, Well, like you said, Oh, well, I'm already watching porn, might as well, you know, start talking to other people.And then, you know, I'm already talking to them, might as well sleep with them. And it starts this really downward spiral. And you talked a lot about using pornographic content or even sex as a way to kind of just expel negativity and emotions. And, um, we've, we've talked so much in that previous episode about how you really, Especially when it's with another person, you're kind of passing all those emotions into them, along to them, and kind of changing the way that relationship works.So, I think, I think everything you said should be more than enough for anyone to kind of realize that, you know, it is bondage. They call it sexual bondage because it really does become such a center, you know, central focus point of your life. You know, you're thinking about it. You're trying to watch it whenever you can, fit it into your schedule wherever you can, hiding it, and yeah, I think it's, it's, it can be very devastating.You talked a lot about Christian, you know, beliefs, and then we also spoke about building a strong foundation of discipline and knowledge for children as well as ourselves. How, if in any way, do you implement the Bible and its teachings into the knowledge and discipline you're trying to instill into your children?Whether that's talking about sin, whether that's talking about sexual immorality, or the importance of marriage. Does the Bible play any role in that? in what you're educating your children on. Yeah. I'm always encouraging my children to read the Bible. I remind them all the time how God is the one who rescued me from my past, my addictions, all my mistakes, I'm praying with them as often as I can.I try to remind them to be thankful. Uh, occasionally I'll be like, quit. What are you thankful for? You know, just randomly. And. I try to get them to memorize scripture, too, and remind them that if something ever happens and you don't have an actual Bible on hand, at least you will know what His Word says by memorizing it.And I try to lead by example, so I'm working harder on making sure that I'm doing what I'm asking of them. We just have open conversation. I, if I need to, I'll find a Bible verse that pertains to what exactly they're going through and then I'll have them read it with me and we kind of, we might discuss it or whatever.I don't ever want them to feel like I'm using. God, the Bible, religion, anything like that in a way that makes them feel like, Oh, I got in trouble and now I have to read my Bible or whatever. So it's like a, it's a fine line of trying to have them realize the importance of staying close to God when at all times, as opposed to saying, you know what, you made a mistake.Go, go to your room and read the Bible because then they feel it's like a And I don't ever want my kids to feel that God is. punishing them in that sense, if that makes any sense. No, I totally understand. I think so many people are told the Bible, not taught the Bible, or it's just thrown at them and they don't have this own encouragement to read it and to want to learn it and understand it.And I think it's so important. And I really wish that I had an education in the Bible younger. It would have prevented me from making a lot of mistakes, pretty much. Yeah. After I finished reading the Bible this past year, from beginning to end, uh, there were so many parts where I was like, if I had known this part or this quote, uh, definitely, Would have addressed that situation XYZ in the past Differently and it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak So I I do think it's so important to have it and know it and you talk about You've mentioned a few times on this episode God using your child as a vessel as a means to reach you and to kind of Can you tell us about that experience?What exactly happened? This is my favorite part about the whole thing, because God is amazing. This and how I actually was 100 percent freed from my addiction are my favorite parts to tell. My son was four, and I was pregnant with my third child, eight months pregnant. And I've, I was at home having a bad day.I don't even remember what I was angry about. Just having a bad day. I put him down for his nap, told him to stay in bed, go to sleep, and then I went straight to my room and went to bed. To my phone and was looking for pornography. And like I said, it was a business transaction for me. So I'm there for business.I could search for hours trying to find quote unquote, the perfect video to whatever I needed to do. But I, it doesn't matter how long the video was. I was only there for business. So it would probably be like. Maybe a minute or less that I was there for it. So why am I taking so much time looking for a video that's like an hour long or whatever?I don't know. But that's just the way that I did things was like, I had to find the perfect video, which would take a lot longer than, you know, just going to God and saying, God helped me, you know, but this is just, the cycle that I was in. I could not just settle for anything. It's not like I could just flip through something and there it was and whatever.I don't, I don't know if it was my perfectionism or whatever, but I just needed to find the one, I guess. But that's what I was doing, scrolling, finally found something was getting ready that I just felt like something or someone was watching me. So turn around and my son's standing there. I flipped out, I yelled at him, told him to go back to his room and he was crying and ran back to his room.I felt devastated, stopped what I was doing, did my 90, 000th repentance and just couldn't do anything. I went to go apologize, but he had already fallen back asleep. So I was just sitting in my bedroom. I don't even know what I was doing at that point. But then he finally got upand I told him I was sorry and I said, why did you get up? You're usually pretty good about not getting up in the middle of your naps. So why did you get up? And he looked me in the eyes with his sad eyes and he said, God told me to go see you. And I lost it. I started crying. I hugged him. I said, I'm so glad you listened to God.And I could not sleep at all that night. I was up. Right. Rying in the living room so loud that I woke my husband up and he asked me what was wrong. And that was the first night that I actually admitted to anybody, including myself, that I had an addiction to pornography. And I told him all my passwords, my passcodes.I said, you're going to know everything, honest. I don't want to keep anything from you. You have the permission to ask me, are you okay? Are you clean? What are you doing? And I told him about it. I told everyone about it. I told my parents that I had this problem. I told friends, told people at church, like I just shared it with everybody cause I wanted as much accountability as possible.I also stopped watching anything higher than a G rating, maybe PG, but it really depended on what it was. I stopped listening to a lot of stuff and just focused on Christian music. I just took everything out of my life. I put boundaries on when I was on my computer, I couldn't be on it if no one was home, after a certain hour I wasn't on it, I just, I had to rewire my brain away from this toxic habit that I had had forever.And I got involved with a ministry called Triple X Church, and they may still be around, but I would listen to their content, and just got really involved with a lot of their stuff and noticed that they had mission trips that they did. I think like two times a year, maybe they'd go to porn conventions and hand out Bibles and shirts that says Jesus loves porn stars.And I got really pumped up and wanted to go on one of those. Well, you had to at least be sober from your addiction for a year before you could go. And my husband. I think it was almost two years that I was free when I was getting ready to go, but my husband wasn't 100 percent on board, but he saw my passion for it and he wanted me to go.So he gave me the okay to go. And while I'm there in New Jersey for this, I, let's, let's just say I did not prepare myself for a mission trip. You've got to be praying hard. You've got to have other people praying hard. All of that. I was not aware of the depth of spiritual depravity and Satan working. It until after I was finished with this thing.But while I was there, my husband was praying for me. Everyone was praying. I went to dinner with everybody who was involved in the mission. They wanted to have me do an online group for women who. You know, had addictions and I was so excited. I wanted to do this Bible study. I was like, yes, I would do that.I was just really on board with everything, excited, pumped, all those things. But I was nervous to go into the actual event and do what we were there to do because I had not seen anything higher than a PG movie for the past two years. And we were going to be going into the lion's den and seeing all sorts of things.Yeah. So I was really nervous. I had my husband praying. I had everyone praying. I went in and as soon as the doors open, I cried. Everything's there. It's all in your face. People on computers doing their computer stuff, all these different things. I saw only what God wanted me to see. I saw the brokenness, the sadness, the depravity, how much we needed to be there.And that was my thought was these people need Jesus. This is why we're here. And it was the proverbial chains fell off. And I would no longer felt any sort of stimulation from anything that I saw in there. And there was a lot to see in there at that point. So I was walking through, my only mission was to share the love of Jesus with people.So we handed out shirts, we handed out Bibles. I got to talk to somebody who was topless and I got to share the Bible with her, share the gospel. She was crying. I was crying. I prayed for her. I was so excited. This was only day one. I was really excited for the next day. two days because it was a weekend thing.I went back to the hotel and Satan was definitely not happy because he had lost one of his flock, I guess. I don't want to call it that, but he had lost me because Jesus had broken my chains and because of that, he tried to punish me and he. me and my husband at that point. So much that I had to go home and try to work things through because there was no way I was going to mentally be able to stay.So yeah, I was not prepared for the whole event spiritually, but it did free me from my pornography addiction and it did. Remind me of the seriousness of we are not in a battle of flesh and blood but of spiritual things So that's how I was freed Yeah, no, I think that's really beautiful, you know to especially see such a young child Uh hear god and know god.I think that's beautiful. So this whole episode has been great. I think it's so important your transparency and your vulnerability and understanding I appreciate you coming on. I know you're still developing your voice for all of this as a mother, as well as a podcaster, and I think you're doing great.Before we leave, I'd love for you to share with all of us a Bible quote that has really helped you through all of this or that you would really put forward to everyone. James 4, 17 has been a verse that has kicked me in the pants several times. I love the book of James specifically for that reason, because it reminds me that God's not done with me.He loves me and I love him. He's my father and he's going to correct me when I need it. So James 14 says if you know what you ought to do and you don't do it, you're sinning. There's been many times in my life where I have Known what I was doing was sin and yet I still did it and i'm reminded Daily of his grace his favor on me I should be in jail right now for some things I've done.I should not have five kids. I would only have one if he had given me what I deserved. I let that sink in often and I always want to remind my kids that if you know what God is telling you to do, you need to do it because if you're not doing it, you're sinning. So I share this verse with them. I Am convicted by it often too.So it's, it's become my favorite verse. That and Proverbs 4, 23, guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. That's the first verse I memorized after I came out of my pornography addictions. I think both of those are so universally applicable, especially to believers. I think every day we all fall short of.You know, God's standard for us, and I think every day, uh, most of us choose sin, uh, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Uh, some days better than others, some days worse than others. I think the second quote really plays into, you know, Because we can know what we're supposed to do and not supposed to do, but if our heart is in the wrong place, if it's not disciplined, if it's not knowledgeable, uh, we can end up choosing based on that and choosing the opposite of what we're supposed to do.I think both of those are so important, especially in relation to porn addiction, especially in relation to sexual immorality. So, I think those are two amazing quotes and I appreciate you sharing those and just I want to plug here for you before we leave. You mentioned your um, your podcast, Honest Christian Conversations, and then you have your website, it's got a whole bunch of stuff on there.It's got your books, it's got blogs, it's got your episodes, so who should check that out? Is it just about porn addiction or is it so much more than that? No, we deal with various cultural and spiritual issues within the church in the Christian faith. So it's, it's for everybody, even those who may not even be Christians, you can tune in, maybe you'll learn something.Maybe you'll find out that. You know, the Jesus you're mad at is not the actual Jesus, if you understand what true gospel is. Cause there's a lot of people out there claiming Jesus and they're bad representatives of him. And our podcast likes to uncover that. So. Yeah, and you've actually had a few guests on who have also been on my show.So that's pretty awesome to see those, those familiar faces. And, um, I think it's great. You know, I talk all the time about how important it is for us to leverage technology and podcasting as a way to spread the faith and to empower other people, especially as a woman, you know, we don't see a lot of.faith based women out there. Unfortunately, at least for the younger generations, a lot of the faith based women are falling into conformity and trends and even sexualizing themselves to try and promote the gospel. And it is not good. So I appreciate what you're doing in an honest and Christian way. And so ladies and gentlemen, I highly encourage you to check out the website to take a look at the podcast, take a look at the books.And all of that, and that will be in the description below, but Ms. Anna, thank you so much for coming on the show, I really appreciated this conversation. And I think it's so important to talk about, and I highly commend you for what you're doing. And I'm hoping, if anything, That, uh, other women will hear this, and other men as well who are in bondage to pornography or, you know, even just physical sex addiction, you know, that they'll hear this and take a different look at how they're living their lives, how they're viewing intimacy, as well as their ability to speak about it openly.You talk about, you know, Telling everyone, you know, your, your church, your family, your husband, not easy to do, and now continuing to tell that story. So, thank you so much for what you do. Yeah, no problem. Thanks for having me.
