Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Couple of Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and today we have a special guest here for you who is going to help turn your trauma and your tragedy into treasure. Now, this is not only for military members, though that's who she works with the most, this is for everyone across the board.
We've all been through our own battles and struggles, and You know, we can learn from each other and she's here to help restart the fire in your life. That's an acronym that we'll discuss later and you can find it in one of her many books. She's a published author as well as the host of a podcast, Ms.
Shay Sparks. Shay with a line over the A. Can you explain that real quick? I've been trying to figure out what that means. Not Shay with a Y. There is no Y. Just Shay A with a line. So, well, first of all, thank you for having me, Mr. Whiskey. It's It's just been, it's really been fun getting to know you over the past almost a month actually since we, we met at PodFest.
Time is flying. Time is moving so fast. I know. I know. Uh, so my name is actually um, a made up name. My real name is Shayla. And there is no Y in how my parents spelled Shayla. And so a friend of mine in high school wrote me a note and he And he wrote out S H A with a line above the A. And way back then we learned phonics, which was a long A over a line above the A was a long A.
I think it's called a micron or a macron or a diacron or something like that. Was this a love letter? It sounds like a little love letter. Maybe it was not a love letter, actually. Um, as far as I know, if it was, I've told her now that you say that, um, And I thought, you know, that's a, that's a really cool way to spell Shay.
And so jump ahead to my career. I was a hairstylist for many years and I worked in a salon with a Sheila. We can see it. You're right. You can see it with the hair. Yeah. And so I worked with a Sheila and it's literally just one letter away. She had an E and I had an a, and we got clients confused all the time.
And she. Um, um, focused on coloring and I focused on cutting. So she's like, you need to change your name on because she had been there first. And I said, okay, I'll be Shay with a line of OVA. And there it was. And I've been Shay for 20 something years and it just is stuck. So, yeah. So since you were in charge of cutting, you're the one who had to cut some letters off of your name, huh?
Yeah. Yes. All lines up. I love that. So please share with us kind of. So obviously you did some, some hair work, and then from there, how did you end up podcasting and writing books? You know, what kind of inspired you? What was your spark, the spark and sparks? Yeah, so, uh, well, you'd mentioned about the trauma into treasure.
So I'll take you back to the trauma. So I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. And when I got out, I started to, I started the healing journey and peeling away the layers of the onion that I am, that we all are right. Right. And I started counseling right away, started coaching, listening to podcasts, reading books, and.
journaling and healing. And during this, I'd say four to six months of time, I had some really profound experiences. One was I learned about myself, that I had this voice, this inner voice, that was not helping me in any way, shape, or form. It was hurting me and it was disempowering me. And I thought, huh, I really need to Transcribed change how I'm speaking to myself, right?
Number one. And because I started to do that, I started to shift the way I spoke to my family and especially my dad. My dad had been drafted to Korea during the Vietnam war. However, he had never shared that story until six months before he passed away. Unfortunately, I didn't know. Uh, yeah, I didn't know.
Um, Enough about podcasting before or otherwise, I would have, you know, had recorded all of our conversations because I miss him so much, but, but, um, he started, uh, we had a very tumultuous. Relationship growing up and he was just he was only showed anger. He never showed compassion or love or nurturing or even knew.
I mean, I didn't even get hugged or or told me he loved me until I was 18 kind of a relationship. And so here I am now as an adult and I'm really seeing him through a different lens of. Well, maybe he doesn't know what he's doing. And instead of being harboring hard feelings towards him, what is it that I need from him?
And my counselor at the time suggested that I love him the way I need to be loved. And I was like, Oh, that's scary. And so, uh, I like, so you want me to reach out and hug him? And he's like, yeah. And I go, it's going to be awkward. And he was like, So what? Keep doing it. And what ended up happening is it shifted the way, because I had already shifted the way I spoke to myself, now I'm reaching out and hugging him randomly and it shifted the way I spoke to him.
And so I had conversations with him like, Dad, are you asking me to do something right now in that, what you just said? Or are you trying to manipulate me into doing something? Mm. And at the time he was like, what? Like stumbling over the word. He is like, I can't even pronounce that. I don't even know, know what that is.
And I said, well, it sounds like you want me to do something for you. And because I know you and lived in the house with you my whole life, you know, my whole life up until then, pretty much I understand that if I say no. You will withhold your love from me and you'll be disappointed if I say no. So are you trying to manipulate me into saying yes?
And doing something for you, or could you ask me to do something because you what you just said was on a question, it was a statement and just by saying that to him was really eye opening for me, but completely eye opening for him. He had no idea that he was showing up that way. He had no idea that he was not actually asking people questions.
Um, he didn't realize he had, uh, an expectation. Uh, placed on people or when he told them to do something and they wanted to say no, that he was angry and it's like, but you know, it's their right to say no. Isn't it? Okay. If you say no. And, um, he wasn't understanding that that's how he was being until that conversation.
And it was just a huge shift in our relationship. I mean, that was just the beginning and in the last five years of his life, he became my best friend. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's so that's part of the reason communication is so important because sometimes people don't know how they're coming off.
You know, the way we hear ourselves in our voice and how we act. You know, we don't realize that and I'm so glad that you were able to recover that relationship with your father, you know, a lot of, and this is especially men, a lot of men come off and they don't realize that they're coming off as in you can't say no, or it's not a question, you know, and I've been in, you know, Relationships with women who were afraid to ever say no because their father had raised them where, you know, if they, they said no, or they didn't want to do something, you know, he would get angry and maybe sometimes he wasn't angry, but he just came off that way.
And I've had it as a man too, where people think I'm angry and I'm like, no, I'm just. I'm not angry at all, you know, and I want to congratulate you on your healing journey as well. Uh, yesterday I recorded with Kimberly Spencer from the Crown Yourself podcast and, you know, her and I had a conversation about, you know, when you're a victim, when you have trauma, you know, it's easy to self wallow in pity and just never choose to heal because it can be a difficult process.
I mean, you just expressed how there were awkward moments and there's, there's moments that are, are difficult. Um, But I want to congratulate you on making the choice to get up and heal yourself and begin this journey. And now you're helping other people navigate this journey, which is so amazing. So, can you go a little bit into that between your books and your podcast?
How you're helping people, as well as, essentially, you're a life coach. You know, people can get you as a life coach to help change their life. Yes, thank you. And thank you for, uh, acknowledging that we could be stuck in the victimhood of our circumstances, right? And I think oftentimes that's what ends up happening instead of making a decision, a conscious decision is what I called it.
I, and that's what I did. So statistics will tell you that, um, someone who's in an abusive relationship or even a toxic relationship doesn't have to be abuse. It could be just be toxic. Right. It's a lot of times familiar, right? But they don't, we don't talk about it being familiar. We talk about the statistics of, oh, well, they'll go back to either that person or they'll go back to someone similar to that.
And I say they, because When all of this first started with me, I thought it was primarily women and over the years, uh, in my coaching business and in working with veterans, there's so many men who have been in circumstances like this with toxic women that and abusive women that it's not talked about enough.
So, right. So statistically, you know, we repeat patterns if we don't recognize them and we don't acknowledge them and we don't choose. So I thought, okay, so I don't want to be a statistic. How can I make sure that I don't repeat this? And I wanted to really put the time and the effort. And the, the energy into moving in a different direction, because we know what we know.
And there's a whole lot of things that we don't know. So the first thing I did was ask myself, what is it that I don't know that I need to know in order to move forward? And coming from a place of curiosity and exploring that rather than from a place of judgment or fear or worry, um, one of the things I, during the, during this early stages of my healing process was.
The willingness to be vulnerable, the willingness to really say what I wanted to say Instead of what is it? Say what you mean mean what you say and not say it meanly Yeah, being sarcastic. Mm hmm, right? You were a very sarcastic person Absolutely, and sarcasm is really anger in a clown suit Yeah, that's, that's a good way to put it.
And so when I looked at it from that lens, it was like, wow. So what is it that I'm really trying to say? So I became a student of my own verbiage of my own language of my own thought processes. Like, what is it that I'm really thinking that's having me say the things that I'm saying? So, uh, I became a student of myself, number one.
And then because I was a hairstylist at the time, I, uh, With it, my clients would come in and the conversation was always like, what's new, what's going on, what's happening and you know, they would share what's going on with them and then they would say, well, what about you? And I'm like, Oh my God, you're never gonna believe what I learned about myself this week.
And they're like, what? I'm like, I'm emotionally unavailable. What? What does that mean? I'm like, it means that I am the last person that is ever going to actually share with you my feelings. And I said, you might be able to tell what's happening on my face that I'm feeling a certain way, but my language is not going to actually say it.
And they're like, really? And I'm like, yeah, do you do that? And they're like, yeah, I don't do that either. I don't share what I'm feeling either. And it was really fascinating to just like kind of a survey my clients, men and women on how much. We're lacking in communication. Oh, yeah, how much where we're really not saying it was this huge Like I don't need to say that we have this expectation that people in our life just ought to know Quote unquote ought to know that about us.
Oh, yeah, and so once I learned and was able to just be vulnerable and really say what I mean and Mean what I say and not say it meanly and share that with my clients. My clients would go, you know, go away for four to six weeks and come back to their next appointment. And they're like, Oh my gosh, because of what you've said at really shifted my relationship with my team at work or my boss or my spouse, my kids, my parents.
Wow. Like, have you considered podcast? And, and I was like, in the back of my head thinking, well, I mean, yeah, kind of, uh, I don't really have the confidence. Yeah. To do it and so because I had such beautiful, amazing clients that spoke life into me for the first time ever, I didn't have that growing up and I thought, well, what if they're right?
What if they're right and the worst thing that can happen is if I explore this I learn a new skill I can always cut hair Well, what if I find a new skill that I like and so I say I borrowed their confidence in me so and I pursued that curious exploration of what would it look like if I became a coach or wrote a book or started a podcast and Like they say the rest is history.
Yeah, I was talking to miss Spencer yesterday I said the power of You know, instilling confidence in each other. I said, the world is so negative. And I said, you know, I was, I used, I referenced social media a lot. I'm very anti social media. I said, if a woman posted picture, uh, you know, I can't really speak for men.
I don't look at pictures of men online, but like occasionally in my feed, you know, Instagram will throw in a woman and I'll look and I'll see the comment section is nothing but either Perverted, you know sexualization of her or people hating on her for no reason I said, yeah, and I'm sure it's the same with men who post, you know, gym pictures or whatever, but it's like Everything is so negative out there.
It's always criticism or perversion or no in between We need to be complimenting each other, you know, we need a normalized complimenting, you know, it doesn't happen enough at all. Maybe in your small friend group, you'll occasionally compliment each other, and I know, especially with men, it's even, even harder.
But I think women too are very judgmental of their friends within their own friend group. I mean, let's be honest, that's the way it's always been. Women will talk about each other behind their backs, or Tell you you look pretty and then whisper it to, you know, her other girlfriend, you know, the way she what she's wearing is awful and stuff.
We really need to be honest. And you mentioned communication and that's so important, especially for, you know, relationships, romantic relationships, but in general, and you said something that I can actually relate to personally is you said, it. A lot of people express themselves and, but they're not expressing themselves.
They feel like people should just know. And I've actually gotten that, that criticism in romantic relationships I've been in where they said that I need to open up and talk to them more. And I felt like it was very obvious how I felt, but you know, it's obvious to me because I'm the one feeling it. I think this goes for everyone across the board, you know, how we feel is so obvious to us because it's how we're feeling.
And we may think these little things we're doing. To kind of like hint at it or, you know, or expressing it properly. But the truth is, you know, those hints might only be things that you would think of because you're the one employing them. So really you need to just communicate. And like we said, Shay, it can be hard.
It can be very difficult to communicate, to have those difficult conversations, but it's important. I think a lot of people are, like you said, You called it emotionally unavailable. Another term that is commonly used is, is bottle up their emotions as well. You know, they bottle them up. And then you have these expressions of it that are not healthy.
That are, you know, That that instill fear in people because they're like, you know, you get angry or you get upset or it comes out passive aggressively. Like you said, the sarcasm, you know, I've never seen I've never enjoyed sarcastic humor, really, unless I know like it's coming off a joke. But there's a lot of times people are sarcastic.
And I'm just like, what a, what a rude person. And we're like, what a jerk, you know, no offense. I know you're sarcastic, but yeah, it's like, and you questioned where was that coming from? And another thing I want to address is you were talking about patterns and statistics and someone had brought up to me because my parents had a very unhealthy relationship and I never realized it until later on in life.
That I kept dating women who were like my mom and how they were or that I would put myself in a situation where I was like how my mom was in her relationship with my father and I said well look, even though you know it's bad, you grew up with that normalized and that kind of blew my mind because I was like, I always thought I'd never want to have a relationship like my parents.
People kept saying, well, you keep ending up in relationships like that because it's comfortable to you, which you mentioned is familiar. He said it's familiar. It's almost a learned behavior. And it's all, you know, yeah, literally all you know. Yeah. There's people who grew up, you know, thinking it was normal.
Like I had a guy come on my show, Ricky D. Sluder and his father would get angry and rip furniture apart and smash stuff. And he thought everyone's household was like that. He thought everyone went home and their parents was like that. So Shay, did you grow up thinking that fathers don't hug their, their daughters or, you know, you saw other fathers displaying behavior that was unfamiliar to you?
Yeah. So growing up. Yeah, absolutely. I remember being at my best friend's house, uh, you know, cause kids playing as you know, even young teenagers and her parents. And even her older brothers would go around when they would leave for the evening and they would hug and kiss them and say goodbye. And I was like, wow, that's so weird because it was so foreign to me, right?
Yeah. And it was like, wow, I've never seen that before. I've never seen someone, I've never seen a parent show love to their children, let alone an older sibling show love to their younger siblings. And as I stayed, you know, and, and our friendship, you know, blossomed over the years, they would do that for me.
They would like hug and, and tell me goodbye. And I was like, Oh, that's, that's so weird and so great at the same time. Like, why was I not born in that house? And I'll tell you when I'm on this healing journey, the two books that literally changed my life was a book called Women Who Love Too Much. And it should be titled People Who Love Too Hard.
Because that's really what we do. We, as humans, we love too hard. Meaning, we love the other person so much, so that they'll love themselves. And men do it too. In fact, I've, I've, again, coached so many men who have been in situations just like you explained. We're trying to heal our childhood through our adult relationships.
And the other book is called Boundaries. And that's really where it comes from the, well, what, what is it that you're willing to accept? So when you look at your, your childhood and you go, okay, that didn't feel good, even though you might not recognize it until you're in it again, right? And you go, okay, well, that didn't feel good.
I don't want that again. So when you're in a relationship and all of a sudden it shows up, you have the opportunity to go. I'm this is not okay. So when you're talking about communication, it goes back to being able to articulate. What is it that you're articulating to yourself? Because a lot of times we blame ourselves for that situation, right?
Like, Oh, it's our fault. Oh, well, we're in this relationship because I'm doing something wrong. And depending on the person that you're with, you know, if there's any kind of like gaslighting or narcissism or anything like that. Yeah. Right. Like you literally are going, Oh my God, I can't believe I did that.
And this caused this, this person to do this. And it's like, hold on. And then you're scared to set boundaries. You know, a lot of women and men feel like setting boundaries is wrong or they weren't allowed to within their home or past relationships. And this is what we've talked about before in a show that, uh, Past relationships, you know, really affect your future relationships, you know, you kind of like I said I've been in relationships where I've had partners who were like, oh, well We you're like gonna actually like take me out for food Like I was told like we have to eat at home like, you know, because I'm not a good person I'm an alligator like stuff like that.
Like it's crazy. Sometimes the things I hear And what you said really hit close to home. You said, we love people because they need to love themselves. And I've been in a lot of one way relationships or I've been saying I've been in relationships where I just been used as a confidence factory for someone who was insecure about the way they looked and they were self conscious.
And so it got to a point where they were demanding compliments. Every time, like I was given five to six compliments, a conversation, they said, that's not enough. And eventually I said, I was thinking about it. I was like, look. You need to love yourself. I said, I can't just be, I can't, you know, it's hard for me to love you when you don't love yourself because then I'm loving you for yourself and for me.
You know, I got, I got to give you two people's amount of love if that makes sense. And so I think that's one of the big issues nowadays, too, with social media influencing everyone's, um, how do I say their self confidence or their insecurities. A lot of people nowadays need so much reassurance in that there's a lot of self hate and not enough self love.
And like you said, as people, we want to help people love themselves. You know, we want to instill confidence in one another. And ironically enough, hypocritically enough, we won't take that on advice for ourselves. You know, we'll still be hating on ourselves and all that. But yeah, so I totally agree with that, you know, the reflection of her parents and, you know, love being, you know, it's, and a lot of people don't want to wait and take that journey of healing and self discovery in order to love themselves first, you know, they just want to be loved by someone, and especially when they're not loving themselves, and if they have trauma from other relationships or families, they're, they're desperate for love, they need it.
You know, and, and love is supposed to, it shouldn't be a need, it should be a want, if that makes sense, like, you shouldn't need it, you shouldn't need a partner in order to love yourself and, and actually be able to live life, you know, love shouldn't be dependency, I'll put it like that, codependency, codependency, that's a huge thing.
Right, right. Well, and that's where I was with my ex. That's where my parents are. And then I realized when I started to study codependency. Oh, gosh, that's where they put me. Got it. They put me in this codependent situation because I was a peacemaker. So they would come to me when they wanted something, right?
To wanted to talk about the other person. And then they would go away. After it was over. So it was like, Oh, they use me up. So they got their compliments or they're they're off their chest. Then I'm left with the baggage, the trauma, the emotional, uh, vomit that they just spewed on me, right? The verbal vomit that they overflowed on me.
And it's like, Oh, great. Thanks. And yet. I didn't I'm the youngest. I didn't have the wherewithal to be like, Hey, don't talk to me about this. Right? Because that's a boundary. You didn't know boundaries had no clue about boundaries. And I'll say this about what you said about past relationships. So our childhood experiences shape or adult decisions.
Okay. So if we don't have a, an example role model of what healthy love, healthy fighting, healthy disagreements look like, right, then we're not going to find that in a relationship because we have no clue what it looks like. And I have tried to find TV as is that the norm? And I will say TV is false is a false narrative, right?
Media is a false narrative about it. So if you're watching, I grew up, you know, watching, um, the Huxtables, the Cosby show. And it was like, Oh, it was such a, you know, Oh, it was 30 minutes in a disagreement and they were loving on each other at the end. Why isn't my family like that? It's like, because that's not real.
So if you surround yourself, if you're The, I think it's Michael Hyatt that says you, you, you are the sum of the people that the five people you're around, right? So if the five people you're around is your family, which that's what mine was. And that's all they know was to withhold love and to, you know, be in their own fear.
If that's all they know, then how am I going to know anything different? So how can you put yourself? How can you find mentors in real life and be around them and spend time with them and learn by watching you know, how do they love each other? How do they love their family? How do they fight? I remember at a Bible study I was at once, the um, pastor's wife was sharing with us that she got in an argument with her husband and I literally thought, okay, here it comes.
It's going to be the, the The punching the throat, punching the verbal, uh, back and forth. And she said, we were taking, um, clothes out of a clean laundry basket and throwing the clean clothes at each other. And I was like, wait, what you were throwing clothes? Like you weren't throwing dishes. You weren't throwing like shoes.
Like you aren't throwing like that's it. And she's like, yeah, I was, you know, yelling at each other throwing clothes and I was like, Did you cuss at each other? And she's like, no, why would I do that? And I'm like, wow, okay. Wow. Okay. And to just hear that, I was like, I had no idea how you can actually fight and have a disagreement without, you know, beating each other up verbally or physically.
Wow. Yeah. I was going to say, you definitely got me shocked too, because When it comes to laundry from personal experience and from listening to other men, you know, I have done laundry wrong many times, you know, I think men's standards for laundry are very different from women's standard for laundry. I think that's all across the board, you know, and so, yeah, I mean, as soon as you said laundry, I was like, Oh, that that's that is a fight.
That is a fight. Now. Let me just say, I had a airline pilot, Captain Russell Roberts, on the show yesterday, and he and I talked about his father, at first he idolized his father, you know, his father was his hero, his father was the perfect man, ideal man, because that's how young men grow up, viewing their father, and women too are supposed to look up to their father as their father.
This is ideal man. This is what a man is supposed to be. Because he had a father who kind of, as he grows up, and I read his book, it was a biography, as he grows up, you know, he realizes how awful his father is. And as a result, he did what I've done, which is, you, I found father figures and mentors who Weren't great guys, but to me they were better than my dad And so I'm just curious did you because of your trauma with your father obviously you healed but that was way later on in life Did you grow up and get attached to any parental figures?
you know father figures or mentors or mothers who you know, maybe they weren't the best examples, but because Of your parents because they reminded you of them in some way, or they were just better than them, but still not great people. Did you find yourself kind of like being gravitated towards those kinds of people at all?
So I had kind of the opposite effect. I was defiant to authority. Mm. Yeah. So I was, you can't tell me what to do. Kind of attitude. Yeah. Um, I was a troublemaker. Surprise, surprise. You know, I started drinking at a really young age. I was, the first time I actually got drunk was 11. Wow. And I was drinking, smoking cigarettes.
A pack a day at 14. I was drinking daily. I was drinking daily at 15. I got a DUI at 16 and my dad actually came to pick me up at the, um, police station when I got the DUI and. When he showed up all I could think of is he'd been out drinking the night before because it was his birthday. Yeah, and We get in the car on the way home, and he didn't say anything to me And I'm kind of glad that he did, because the other side of this was, why are you going to try to parent me now?
Right. Like, you haven't really parented me my entire life. Because I remember one time, probably during those 14 to 16 years, uh, when I was that old. He said if, uh, he tried to put a curfew on me, and he's like, you're going to be in this house at midnight. And I was like, really? Watch me. And I walked in at 5 a.
m. And I think that's why. What happened is I went, you know what, you've never parented me, so I don't know why you're going to try to parent me now. Yeah, I get that. Right? So I was like, no, I don't think I looked at role models and was, I think I looked at my friend's parents. I was like, that would be great, but I never really thought of them as, I want to be like them one day.
I think I was still stuck in the F U to authority. Yeah, well, and that's something in relationships to the, oh, now you want to care mentality, which I think, I think it's good to have that on. It's a balance, right? It's good to have that because you want the, hey, that in some way you're setting a boundary, right?
You are respecting yourself. By saying look you had all the time in the world, but on some other level I think especially with people who are unaware of their actions or trying to improve you should be patient and forgiving, you know there's a balance between yeah, forgiveness and then overly forgiving, you know, and Sometimes you got to remember two people are overly forgiving out of fear.
So there's a lot of factors that go into it Yeah, but and people are over forgiving because their trauma, right, their trauma stems comes from that. And they're like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. In fact, I've seen a lot of social media posts that say stuff about that. Like the more I'm sorry, a person says, and the more thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
And they thank you for all the little things and, and all the sorry. You better call me out here. It's because it's more trauma trauma that we've experienced and so it's like gosh, we don't even realize that it's okay to not say sorry We don't have to apologize for yeah, I've seen I've seen that before the the overly apologetic.
Yeah, and that's been me I'm much better. I say a lot of thank yous, but you know what because well I can understand it because I you know dealt with some some awful awful people in situations anytime anyone's nice to me of course I say thank you because To me, that's not normal. That's you going above and beyond.
Sometimes like for you, if someone hugs you, you're like, wow, thanks. I just, this is more than my dad's ever given me, you know? So it's interesting to think how your childhood affects you. And now you take that trauma and you turn it into treasure for people. So. I know you've written a couple books here and I'd like you to mention them.
They're going to be in the description below for this show so you can find them on Amazon or wherever else you buy your books. I'll have the links there so y'all can take a look at them. But can you just give a little brief overview of them? Yeah, so one of the things that really helped me during this process was I had already been journaling and it's funny because in high school and middle school we had to journal for And I hated it.
I absolutely hated it. Yeah. I would talk about being defiant. I would basically yell at the teacher inside the journal just to see if he ever actually read it. And, um, but what was so amazing about. When I started journal at this stage in life, um, I said, you know, I'm just gonna, I don't even know what I'm going to write.
And that's what I wrote literally like, this is so stupid. I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm writing. And in that first journal entry, I figured out how, uh, In middle school, I was having anxiety attacks and I was like, wow, I never realized that's what that's what I was dealing with.
But that makes a lot of sense. Now, looking back at the adult perspective, right? And, and at the time they didn't, they didn't use those words. They didn't use those words like anxiety attacks and fear and stuff like that. It was like a taboo. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Didn't have that kind of knowledge or depression.
None of that was around. Yeah. And I think it was also a very negative stigma around it too. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, heaven forbid you go see a therapist or a counselor or anything like that. Yeah. Um, but what I had done is really started to heal myself by capturing my thoughts and, you know, we talked about how you articulate to others and it all stems from how you're, what is it that you're really saying to yourself?
Are you helping yourself? Are you empowering yourself or are you hurting yourself? So around this time of My healing journey, even though I'd been journaling before, went during counseling, you know, it was a very eye opening experience of taking my own responsibility for my part in the abusive relationship, right?
And he said, so he was a bully. And I said, yes. And then I said, you know, said some of the things that I did. And he said, so you bullied back. And I was like, Yeah, I was a bully. And then I was like, wait, I was a bully in middle school too. Yep, sure was. And it's like, oh, got it. Yep, sure was. It goes back to the hurt people hurt people because they're hurting.
Yeah. And so, so I thought, well, what if the opposite is also true? So do empowered people empower people because they're not empowered. Right. And so I thought, so as I'm journaling, I would write about this kind of stuff, this kind of thing and, and really kind of question that. And my journaling, to be honest, I'm a very spiritual person.
It pretty much became a letter to God every day. Just thanking him. That's awesome. Just thanking him because when you have nothing and then all of a sudden you have hope, you become extremely appreciative of everything. And so that's probably one of the reasons why I'm sure that you thank people all the time.
And I know that's one of the reasons I thank people all the time because it's, I literally am so appreciative. And um, I started to kind of have a conversation like in a prayer journal in my journals and I started to go with, so what is it that I'm really saying to myself and how can I change it? How can I shift what I'm saying to myself to something that's empowering me and not hurting me?
And, um, so my first book, I didn't set out to write a book. I was setting out in my journaling, I was writing chapters. And I'm like, Oh yeah, that's a great chapter. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this is the lesson I learned from that circumstance and done great. And then one day I felt. As if I heard, uh, a voice say, this is not your first book.
And I went, Oh, okay, got it. So I won't journal about that anymore. And at the time then right after that, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And so I started taking care of her. And then after she passed away, I would had hired a coach to, uh, it was probably about a year after she passed away, I hired a coach to help me.
Right. Uh, become a coach and he's like, you need to write your, what you're going to put on your website. And I was like, isn't that why I hired you? I mean, I don't know about myself, I'd rather pay someone else to talk about me rather than me talk about me. And, um, now you have a podcast. Yeah. Right. Like, that's why I have a podcast.
So, but I, that's why I, Um, One day I was like, you know what? I need to go right. And today's the day. So I went to a co working space and took my laptop and I opened it up and the, the internet would not work where I was sitting. And it was such a beautiful day. I was sitting outside and I'm like, well, I don't want to go in side and ruin this moment.
So I opened up a word document and just kind of prayed and was like, okay, God, what do you want me to write? And six hours later I sit back and I went, I think I just wrote a book. I think I just wrote my first book. Okay. And it was mind blowing, like I hadn't even thought that I would actually write a book, let alone a book like that.
And really what it is, is it's six, the six journal prompts that changes you from a negative mindset to a positive mindset. Yeah, you know, I remember, A couple of years ago, when self talk was becoming more popular and normalized, one of the biggest pieces of advice I had seen I heard around the school and online was writing little sticky notes and putting them up on your mirror, you know, like, self talk, like, you're beautiful today, or today's going to be a good day, or just having those little notes of encouragement, starting your day in a positive mindset.
And that's one of the many reasons why when I wake up, I pray, I say, thank you God for another day. Every day is a gift. Thank God that I woke up and I can walk and I, all my body parts function and I know that I'm not sick, you know? So, and even just like. Every time I see the sunset, you know, I always say thank you God for it's such a beautiful world You know And I think having a spirit of appreciation really helps with that positive mindset And and there's so many things to change the way we talk to ourselves One of the biggest things I've seen is the word yet add in the word yet.
I'm not there yet Haven't you haven't finished my next book Yeah, and I remember one, uh, Di Manuel, I mentioned him a lot. He runs this awesome podcast about just getting 2 percent better than you were and then 2 percent of these small baby steps. Yeah, and I remember I was listening to an episode and he said, don't forget we don't lose weight on this show.
You know, we're not talking about losing weight because if you lose something you want to find it again. Find it. He said we're letting it go. We're releasing it. We're releasing the weight. Yeah, and I was like, wow, that is, That's awesome. You know, I didn't think about these little subconscious things and yeah, it's easy to drown in pessimism and just negativity, especially when the world is nothing but negativity.
Like I said, but yeah, changing the way we talk to ourselves. You said communicating. I think it's important. Like you said, journaling, poetry, other other ways of You kind of figure out our emotions because, you know, how can we communicate to others when we haven't processed ourself because there's kind of like two of us in ourselves, you know, we got our subconscious and unconscious.
We're kind of, and then we got these different views on everything all battling each other inside of our head. You know, it's a, it's a war zone in there. So journaling is, is, is definitely a great way to you. Process all of that now. You've got your books. Oh, go ahead. I was going to jump in there and say, you know, we have a voice and we can choose to listen to the positive one or the negative one.
And my first book is called how to get your voice back. Cause it's really about. You know, make finding and creating the voice that empowers you rather than listening to the one that is taking you down and, um, and I had to learn that like I had to really understand my brain was doing to me and it's, it's, it's kind of like when you hit repeat on a song.
Right. Okay. That's what happens when we have this, a negative inner voice. It's just, it's repeat. So again, I thought, well, how can I shift that to have a positive repeat and, you know, just changing the, the way we speak saying the word yet, uh, and taking and taking the word, but out of our language and putting it with, and because anytime that you use but in a sentence, the first anything before the, but is a lie.
Right. Or it's, it's counter. It's not true. Now that you've said the second thing, I love you, but. , you know? Mm. People say that or, yeah. And it's like, I love you and backhanded compliments too. Hell yeah. I'm, that was my, that was my family. That was my mom. My mom was a, an expert at that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, part of the reason you're talking about repeat is actually not only is the negative voice on repeat, but it's stronger each time.
Negativity builds off of momentum and positivity is even harder to keep momentum in. There's always so many things against it. You know, there's, there's so much fuel for negativity, but you said it best. In fact, it's so it's funny. It's in children's cartoons. It's displayed so easily. You got the angel on the shoulder and the devil on the shoulder.
I've seen it in so many kids cartoons. Yes, that really is the truth. I mean, and you, so you have your, your book navigating, finding your voice back, which one are you going to listen to? And so I love in the cartoons, they always have the little devil kick off the angel and that's the only voice that's left, but that's reality.
That's the reality of it. Right. Well, and it's, it's, it's interesting because they program us. Think about it that way. Yeah. They're programming us as children that the angels kicking off or that the devil's kicking off the angel. Right. Wow. So we're learning on age, right. That it's okay to have this, this negative voice.
And it's like, no, no, no, that is not right. Uh, a really great book, speaking of the devil is outwitting the devil by Napoleon Hill. Okay. And it really, He, the way he wrote it, he was having a conversation with, uh, the devil on the things that were, we were experiencing and it was written in the twenties.
They didn't bring it. They didn't publish it until the sixties and when I read it was 2020, 2020 and it could have been pertain. It could have been written now. That's the crazy thing about this book. It's just so profound on how we're conditioned and how, you know, we have as a society. They, whoever they are, quote, unquote, right, they don't want us to be positive.
They don't want us to actually think for ourselves. They don't want us to look at the optimism. They don't want us to have that aspirational hope. They don't want us to have hope. They want to keep us in fear because when they keep us in fear, that's how they control us. Yeah, I think that's part of the reason they took Bibles out of education, because the Bible was ultimately a book of hope, a story of hope, and of good overcoming evil.
Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't read the Bible, we win, and you know, that's, that's, that's, yeah, so, yeah, but that being said, Ms. Shea, so obviously, This is what you do almost every day. You help change lives. And so as we leave here, you've already left my audience with a whole bunch of wisdom, but is there anything else you have for us or that you'd like to discuss?
Uh, just, you know, if you want to connect with me, I would love to connect. I, I do. Uh, I'm also a certified fearless living coach and a master practitioner in neuro linguistic programming. mental and emotional release and hypnosis. And so I definitely help like remove trauma and from the unconscious and be able to install positive affirmations as well.
So, uh, you know, if, if you are interested in any of that or learning more about what that is, even you're like, what is neuro linguistic programming? Um, feel free to message me on social media, uh, um, on LinkedIn, Facebook, TikTok, Instagram. YouTube, uh, at Shay Sparks, that's S H A S P A R K S. Or you can go to my website at shaysparks.
com. And all those will be in the description below. And also Ms. Shay, what is your podcast for everyone? Oh, yeah. Thank you for asking. My podcast is called the Shay Sparks show and I interview business and military leaders who have, uh, what it means to them about investing in the future. Leadership, relationships, self love, and most importantly, people.
What does it mean to invest in people? And it all goes back to this, the conversation, the listening, and, and everybody has a different answer. But it's so funny how very similar it all goes back to listening and communicating. And, uh, I will say this for the seasons 10, I've done it for five years now, and I'm just getting to season 10.
And congrats. Thank you. And I put in a little coaching segment at the end of each episode this season. It's called don't be a dick segment. And that's an acronym that stands for dishonorable, inconsiderate, conniving and know it all. And how often we are that to ourselves and it overflows onto other people.
So, uh, stay tuned for that as well at the end of each. Not only that, but correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm calling back, you know, from Podfest. Isn't it your listeners actually leave you a voice message on your website answering what it means to be a dick or yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So, um, yeah. So if you go to the, the Shaysparkshow.
com and after you've listened to an episode, you can leave a voicemail. And our voice message and I will play it on the show and what you got out of the, uh, what you got out of the session or what you got out of the session, what you got out of the episode might've been something my guest said, it might've been something I said, it might've been like, Oh, that was a great aha moment because I feel like once we learn something, it's knowledge and then it's not until we share it, that it becomes wisdom.
And so when we share our wisdom, that's really when the magic happens in the world, it creates a ripple effect. And that's what. Mr. Whiskey, that's what one of the many things that you are doing is creating a beautiful effect in the world. So thank you for being willing to do so. I appreciate that. Yeah. So ladies and gentlemen, if you want to have your voice heard on the Shay Spark show, website is in the description.
If you want to be on my show, uh, email a couple of nukes at gmail. com. But yeah, if not on our shows, make sure you're using your voice out there in the world, whether it's at home, your business with friends, family, wherever it is, compliment one another. It's all about love and help support each other and be communicating, set boundaries, respect boundaries, and share all the wisdom you're learning.
Take all that knowledge, turn it into wisdom, but thank y'all for tagging along on this voyage. And Ms. Shea, thank you so much for coming on. It was a pleasure and an honor having you here. I'm glad you shared all this with my audience. Oh, thank you for having us. It's just a joy. Sailing through the ocean blue, Nuclear reactors my crew, Guiding the ship, The stars as our guide, Through the waves we ride.
Jokes are left to fill the air On this voyage we have to share Working together, side by side As one family we will abide In the heart of the ship, we reside Nuclear operators with pride Powering the vessel, with every stride Our mission, a source of great pride
