Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Couple of Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and today we have a very special guest with me. You know, we've had a few, you know, celebrities on the show, and I think Ms. Kimberly Spencer here qualifies for that. One Google search will bring her right up to the top of your page.
Top 3 percent podcast in the world, uh, especially for women and empowering women, but also empowering everyone. Hashtag Yas Queen. We have Kimberly Spencer, host of Crown Yourself, an entrepreneur, a speaker, an author, and so much more. And we'll mention Pilates later. And I got to meet her at a podfest where I found out she is also, an awesome dancer.
The, uh, the 80s party revealed that Kimberly is very young and very energetic. So Miss Kimberly, what can you share with us today? We're so glad to have you here. I'm so honored to be here. I just, I, I found Podfest to be so fun. And I think there comes a point, especially after, for me, after birthing two children where you just don't care what other people think about you.
There's just a level of. I'm going to be me a hundred percent. And I lived my life in the past in many ways where I would hide pieces of me or cover up pieces of me that other people deemed inappropriate or whatnot. And they're like being able to have the amazing relationship that I've had for 11 years with my husband.
And then my two glorious kids and go having gone through all the life experiences, built multiple businesses, And had multiple failures and had multiple challenges and setbacks like there just comes a point and an age that you're just unapologetically you and it's very liberating. Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely trying to work on that.
Everyone's always trying to get me to dance and I'm like, I know a bit of the kind of Joe, you know, but. I can't do too much else, actually, and I got scarred, so in middle school, you know, we did this thing called Dance Ember, where for the whole month of December in gym class, we would, you know, learn new dances and stuff like that.
And so I was the only person like super into it. I was so enthusiastic. I was like, this is awesome, because it is what you make it, right? If you have a class with people who just are like depressed and bummed out about it, they just want to play hockey, like it's going to be a bad time. Sometimes you have to like embrace the suck, as they say.
It's And I was a little too enthusiastic and rolled over my ankle during the, uh, they call it the cha cha electric slide and got taken out in a wheelchair. The most shameful moment of my life is being wheeled out of gym class in middle school because I hurt my ankle, you know, doing the electric slide a little too, uh, a little too electric, a little too much slide.
Enthusiastically. I had the same thing at my engagement party. I was doing the running man to, I think it was like jump. Um, What it was a song I was basically my so my husband goes you weren't following the instructions of the song so I totally twisted my ankle. Thank God. I had my cranial sacral therapist.
They're working on like, she's like, okay, we're going to work on your ankle right now because it's currently incredibly inflamed. Yeah, yeah, that's that's very fortunate that you had that there and, you know, it's funny my buddy this layer he's come on the show a couple episodes in. His underneath his pants on his calves.
He's got full medical kits. He's got like throwing knives. He's got, you know, first aid kits, tourniquets, all this stuff. So anywhere we go, I'm like, I know I can let loose a little bit because yeah, we're set. He like, First responder on the scene. And so, but it's difficult cause he's the dance animal. When we go out, you give that guy one drink.
And I remember he ran out onto the, we went to this country bar and, you know, they had bull riding, which is always a fun time, the mechanical bull riding. And they had that dancing and you're like, like kind of like you not following the instructions, you know, he's there for the square dancing and line dancing.
And he's just doing this disco groove stuff in a neon pink shirt in the, in the country club. Everyone's dressed up. Kind of like how I dress for the show, you know, but yeah, but we didn't come here to talk about dance, but it's always a great time. So we came here to talk about how it does tie in with you being yourself is optimism, you know, empowering people and great stories of transformation.
So can you tell us about your show and why you started it? Well, I started it because I was in a podcast mastermind. I've been a coach for the past nine years, and it was 2019. I was in a podcast mastermind, and I was the only one without a podcast. And it was, it was with my friends, Summer Scolaro of She Lives Holy and Alan and Kevin of the Next Level University podcast, which is a global top 100 podcast.
And I was like, I should probably, I should probably have a podcast to be in this mastermind. And so I started it. And initially it was called the princess and the bee of all the bees that go into becoming the queen of your life. Um, I wanted to have it be a place. Yeah, so queen bee, right? So I wanted to have it be a place where there could be stories of transformation, stories that would uplift and empower and help people feel like they're not alone in their challenges.
Because the beautiful thing about how I love to interview is, I don't want to hear the highlight reel. You can see that on a Facebook, you can see that on Instagram. You're like, Oh my gosh, I love the jets. I love the travel. I love, you know, her life, all, all of the things. But what I love about podcasts in particular is, is you're, you're able to go deep very quickly, the meat of.
Why people made certain decisions. What's their belief systems? What's holding them back? What did hold them back in the past so that we allow ourselves to shift our environment by who we surround ourselves with? I mean, I'm sure you've heard that you're most like the 5 people that you surround yourself with.
That doesn't necessarily mean that those are the people that are your friends. Like, it could be the news that you listen to the podcast that you listen to the media outlets. Those are also voices in your head that are shaping your paradigm of your reality. If you're constantly listening to things that are bringing you down or putting you in a negative state, then it's going to affect your mood, your attitude, your physiology, how you show up in the world.
If you're focusing on things that are more abundance focused and possibility focused and yes, I think also need to share concurrently the challenges and struggles along with the positive or else we feel like, oh, yeah, it's good for you. But I'm currently in this sucky moment right now that really sucks.
And how does that person relate to me? But as soon as you can hear the story, like, when I share my story of. Growing up with a father who is an addict and, and the multiple forms of abuse. Like, uh, before we started recording, I mentioned, um, the ACE study, the childhood adversity test that basically if you have, it says that if you have four, a score of four, then you are at severe risk for anxiety and depression.
And my score was eight growing up just because of the emotional, sexual. Different forms of abuse that come with growing up with an addict and, and yet simultaneously, I also had a, when he was sober and amazing loving father. So there's that dichotomy that I am able to share that suddenly people who are like, Oh, she has all these things.
She has Google search, like her name's the first to come up. Like, yeah, I did all that. And there's also a pass. And I think that there's sometimes people see the motivational or the optimist and that optimism is not forged in, um, In delusion entire like it is forged because I have seen the dark side of humanity and I have chosen because I tried the pessimistic perspective it's I was so mean to myself I was 10 years stuck in an eating disorder.
Where I constantly had anxiety and depression, like, I know what it's like to be on that side. And I also know the choice of when you choose to have that optimistic outlook of looking at how is this the best thing for me? How is this, how is this changing me? How is this opening me up to new possibilities?
How is this growing me? That changes the game for how you look at the lens of how everything that shapes your experience of life. Right. Yeah, and you know, you hit close to home because my father is an abusive addict, too. And, uh, what I want to talk about is you talked about optimism, pessimism, and the different views and perceptions people have of that.
So, My father was a cop for 25 years, you know, and he saw, and I never realized this until my grandfather pointed out, because I grew up, my dad was, like, afraid of the world. I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I operated a submarine before I ever used a stove. Like, people were always shocked by that. Like, the stove was dangerous, you know, people were dangerous.
I wasn't really allowed to have friends, and, you know, my dad really dictated my life, and I never understood it. And my grandfather put it in perspective for me in some way. He said, well, Mr. Wissy, you gotta think. He saw the worst of people as a cop. Sometimes you see the worst of people and I've had cops come on the show, even just detectives talk about, you know, mutilated bodies, you know, households that are just in ruin and, you know, kind of relating it to what you said is we can go through these tragedies and see some of the worst, the dark side, as you call it, the worst of humanity, you know, because there is evil.
There is good. But we can choose, you know, he let it ruin his life. He let these, these negative things ruin his life as well as mine. And you know, it was his choice to be optimistic. And I'm not saying he had to throw away all his caution and paranoia. I think that is there for a really good reason. I think even on an instinctual level to protect us or protect ourselves, we avoid, you know, negative things.
But I think just, you know, wallowing in self pity or the world sucks is, you're never gonna get anywhere. And what I want to also address was you mentioned, you know, empowering people and overcoming tragedy and you talked about how the people around you really influence who you are. And, you know, unfortunately, a lot of people have to cut people out of their lives because they're just dragging them down.
You know, they say, be around people you want to be like, and I agree with that. What I wanted to bring up. Is a kind of a more modern issue is in the past, you know, you were really like whoever was around you, but you said it's not just the people is the news. It's the social media is the environment. The podcast you're listening to nowadays.
We have targeted ads. Your life is getting more and more personalized. You're your your feed. What, you know, social media and companies are feeding you. And so I just want to discuss that, you know, one of the cons of it now is great having a personalized life like I love how I can go on YouTube or, you know, the Internet.
And it's like, wow, this is exactly what I want or need. Like, I love that. It makes my life easy. But one of the downsides that studies have shown is, hey, You know, it develops a closed mindedness and I think, you know, we talk about people who aren't for you being in your, your closest group of friends or people in your life.
I think on some level, it's important to have those people who have different perspectives and, you know, even the people who aren't for you. You know, open your mind up to different things. And so I just want your opinion on, you know, how our minds are getting more closed and what you think about all of that.
Yeah. I completely agree that social media can become an echo chamber. And especially when you have perspectives, if you are locked into an identity of like, this is who I am. And these, this I'm defined by being a part, a part of this political party or this religion, you can lock into that echo chamber and it prevents.
It prevents expansion, but it also creates a desire and a need for a purity of ideas. And what happens is, is that when you're in that space of the purity of ideas, suddenly it's, um, there was a great joke back in the 70s. My husband's 19 years older than I am, so he has, he has some references that I don't necessarily have, but I forget the comedian who's, um, the name of the comedian.
But he was a really kind of funky, odd comedian, and he had this one joke, and I'm totally going to butcher it, but he was, he saw this man standing on a bridge and he said, Oh, you are, he goes, Oh, I'm, I'm this person, and I'm of this faith. And he goes, Oh, I'm of this faith too. And he goes, Oh, I'm of this faith of this denomination.
He goes, Oh, I'm of this faith of this denomination too. And he goes, Oh, I'm of this faith of this denomination of this, Right. And he's like, I'm the, and it was, so he went on like four layers deep until they finally got so granular that he goes, and I'm the face of this person of the 1860 from Wyoming. And then the other guy was like, oh, and I'm the person of this face from this thing from Indiana.
And he goes, and so I pushed him off the bridge because that one little granular detail. Suddenly creates this difference of the needs. That person is no longer pure. That person is no longer one of you because they don't believe exactly every single thing onto the tiniest grain of detail. That's the greatest way to create so much divisiveness in the world and we're seeing that right now.
And I think the thing is, in order to be able to bring about a common Common ground in a common conversation and just be able to interact with humanities to recognize like nobody period nobody ever will have the same life experiences exact belief system exact down to the letter that you have because your life is so unique and special and different.
And that being said, there also is a commonality of emotion if we look at what are those emotions that we're resonating with with other people, every single person, I don't care what your experience has been on this planet, what you've lived through, what you've gone through, you know, sadness. You know, grief, you know, love, you know, happiness, you know, anger.
We all know these common, uh, common emotions are our common denominator. And so when we can look at who we're resonating with, what is the emotional level that we're playing at? And when we see somebody who is different than us, who has a different idea, a different belief system, look at. How are we the same?
How do we have like, I, I love to follow people that I disagree with because in that space, it provides me with perspective of like, oh, I've never thought of it that way before. I could see how this person, even though I disagree on the, maybe the mode of how they're going about or the, the belief system of how they think that belief should be enacted.
I see the compassion. I see how much they deeply love people and how I see the, the intention is. To not judge. The intention now is that created in action? Not necessarily. The, I see the intention. When I can see the intention, then I can see their heart. Right. And that creates unity because then you have a place of common ground that you can then work through.
Yeah. I 100 percent agree. Emotions are what makes, makes us human. Right. And at the end of the day, you know, Stephen Barrow and I, at the time of this recording, we just launched a new podcast together called the generational bridge builders, because we're trying to bridge the gap between not just the generations, but between races and age and all of this, the different cultures.
And one of those things you mentioned, just the smallest difference in ideas causes such a big gap between people, divides families, brings families, but what he said was, it's all about love. And that's where you're saying the compassion of love, right? I think a lot of people, I think almost everyone has good intentions behind what they do.
It's just how they go about it. But yeah, at the end of the day, we're all human. And so on that show, we're trying to. Bridge those gaps because more than ever nowadays. They are they are wider than they've ever been. I mean parents and kids are So drastically disconnected from one another, you know, and miss Spencer.
I know you're a mom, you know How and your kids are pretty young but how do you feel like raising them compared to how your mom raised you and on all that and your parents like if the differences you've noticed because kids are like Being raised by their phones. I mean, I see, and I disagree with this.
I completely disagree with this. Like toddlers and small children having tablets and iPhones full access. Like, I think it's good that kids are so, you know, technologically like knowledgeable, but I think there's a lot of bad that comes with that. And what's your opinion on that? There can be so I'm raising 2 boys right now, and the difference 1st and foremost, yeah, is, um, they're currently 6 and 2.
And so the difference that I how on how I was raised versus how we're raising them is. With our boys, we're raising them very consciously. We are not shaming them or guilting them for having emotions. That's what I basically struggled with, because when living with an addict, what they're doing is they're escaping their emotions.
They're escaping those painful feelings. And I was, I believe that we're, we're gifted the children that we need. And so I am, I am a challenger and I am a very emotional person and, and so in that space, like with my father and with, even with my mom, because my mom is very pragmatic. She, she, emotions are messy.
Like they don't fit into a box and she didn't know how to like, hold space for them. So I was, I, Learn to shove my emotions down until they exploded and that's basically the physical manifestation of bulimia So what we're doing with our kids is we want our boys to be able to be conscious We want them to be able to use language studies show that kids who are not exposed to as much language as Kids in underprivileged Areas that the differentiation and how many words are actually exposed to is vast.
And if you think about it, if a kid only has the range of like zero and 10, like they have. Neutral and angry, and that's the only range that they know, then they will immediately go to a tan of anger instead of going, Hmm, I'm frustrated, or I'm peeved, or I am annoyed. So it's, it, those subtler emotions, if we can label those with less powerful language, it changes how we interact and how we engage.
So no longer are kids seeing like, Oh, I can only have anger. They're like, there's other smaller emotions that we can feel. And so we're helping our boys navigate that with language, navigate and honoring. And just when they're having big feelings, they're having big feelings. And we just call it that we don't make it bad.
We don't make it sad. And the other thing that we work on in our family is not yelling. And I'm not always perfect at it. I can tell you that. Yes, ma'am. Find it. We really do our best to hold the space for, um, for, uh, no drama discipline approach. And that's actually where we got our kind of parenting manual is a book called no drama discipline.
And if you think of the word discipline, it comes from the word disciple. It comes from the word of like leading. How do you actually demonstrate? Leadership because this is when your kids are feeling big emotions they're in pain like if you think of physical pain like they're in pain and they don't know how to express it like I can definitely say from not having the language of emotions early on in my childhood like I didn't know how to express the stuff that was in me and so it just kind of exploded out everywhere and I didn't have a container to like, I Put myself in kind of like I think of it like, um, in the Avengers, how the Hulk, they had that container on the ship where like, that's where the Hulk is going to go just in case he gets hulky.
Like I needed one of those rooms growing up. So that's one way. The other piece to, to speak to your tablets, I think technology is amazing. I think that it's phenomenal to engage with. I also think that there needs to be limits. Like, I think that, uh, I, we are very much like, When we're on the road unless it's a really long road trip like if it's a 15 minute drive We're not giving the kids an iPad like that's ridiculous It's like go out allow yourself to be bored allow yourself to look out at the the world allow yourself to like Note and notice what you notice have an imagination Yeah, that's how we build self awareness.
I also love the fact that on the iPad, like my son, we don't, we really curate like what our kids watch and listen to. So when they get Khan Academy, um, and which is a phenomenal way that they have learned language and shapes, they get Duolingo to practice their reading and language. And Learning stories and learning how to tell stories, they got, um, Montessori, which is, uh, an app that really allows for them or it's Monterosi, one of those, um, but all of them are learning based.
We don't have social media apps. I will not expose my kids to social media, though. It is funny because my son does vlog. I will see. He is, he's a natural creator. And so he will literally be there with his iPad and I don't share these videos because they're just so personal for him. And he also shares like locations and things.
I'm like, I don't want, I don't want people knowing that, like just for safety, but he'll be like, Hey guys, I'm at in and out. And it's really cool to see him wanting to create. And now he wants to start a podcast at six to interview astronauts. Like These are the amazing technological abilities that we have that I think can be leveraged, but they have to be leveraged consciously.
I've seen parents pushing their kid around while the kid's watching an iPhone of Cocomelon, which, by the way, Cocomelon is studied by scientists who have the same, the same neural pathways as heroin. It's, uh, it's that bad. So you want to look at how much you're stimulating and be able to, to. There's no wonder kids are overstimulated because if they're constantly on the phone and baby shark and cocomelon, those, those two, those shows are so bright and colorful and it, they don't see that there's a whole world around them.
I think that's the thing as parents is we have to recognize when we're projecting our boringness like onto our kids for a kid, a baby, like they look at the world and they're like, Butterfly and there's a, there's a bird, like they look at the world through the lens of wonder. And yet I think as adults, adults have gotten very jaded where it's like, Oh, it's another trash truck.
Meanwhile, my six year old and my two year old, they see a trash truck. It's the biggest day on the planet. Like it is a big deal. Like my kid came home from his, uh, his PE. And he was like, mom. We saw a trash truck on the drive and I was like, yes, you did, but it's that and it's celebrating that experience rather than projecting our own BS onto our kids saying, oh yeah, you know, I've seen a trash truck, like, whatever.
It's nothing. Let them allow yourself to have the childlike wonder that your kids have and watch how much her world changes. Yeah, so there's a lot to unpack there. I'm definitely a boy then, uh, who, who, you know, was raised like that because I still see trains. I'm like, it's a train. There's a train over there.
Like I'm, and you know, still count the cars. Like how many cars are there? I always think I'm like, what if I just hopped on, you know, you know, I always think that, but, you know, it's interesting that you say this because, And maybe it's just the way I was raised or who I am, but when it comes to kids interacting with kids, I'm very encouraging of stuff like that, and you're saying some parents are dismissive, and I believe it.
You know, I've definitely seen it, but I'm a person, and I think it stems from my view on life. Every time I see a sunset, I'm like, wow, look at that is beautiful. Every time I drove home and I saw a sunset, Even if I see a rainbow in the sky, like after a rainstorm, you know, some people were like, they couldn't care less.
I'm like, look at that. That's beautiful. And I love going out in nature. I'm always looking for, for snails and worms and crabs. And I'm a regular boy, you know, at the end of the day, but I think that wonder is so important and, and, you know, it's funny, they addressed it in Charlie and his chocolate factory, like the middle one that came out with the Mike TV scenario, they said it kills.
Imagine it leaves no room for imagination. Everything's being imagined for you. You know, like you mentioned all these bright, colorful, stimulating shows and everything is, I think it's funny you said cocoa melon and baby shark and all that, because that did blow up for a while. It's funny. You mentioned that because yeah.
They keep remaking all the shows that I grew up with. They keep remaking them and they're always More, they're more colorful. They're more cartoony. They're, they're, they're stupid. I hate to say they're stupider. I, I hate them. Like, I see like, like Ben 10. I grew up watching Ben 10. I love that. I begged for the Omnitrix every Christmas because, you know, I was like, I, I can get it.
I'll turn into alien. Santa can do anything, you know, turns out Santa can't give you alien DNA. But, you know, every time, and that's just one show, but I've seen other shows, like Teen Titans. Like, some people hate Teen Titans go You know, I have, I have younger sisters. That's why I've seen all this stuff. I just want everyone to know, like, you know, when, when you, when you're an older brother or a mom, you get exposed to all kinds of stuff.
Sometimes the same movie on repeat. Do your kids have a movie they keep playing on repeat? Cause my sister watched the book of life over and over again, which is a great movie, but it's like, you know, some cars, cars, that's a great movie. One, two, and three. Those were on repeat when we were living in Australia.
Like our son was obsessed. And the great thing is, is like, I love movies that teach a lesson, Cars 2 not so great, but like, Cars 1 and 3, I cried, I cried. Oh my gosh, I cried. Yeah, I thought that that was such a beautiful lesson of, you know, evolution of just, you know, letting yourself go. Surrender your pride and let the next generation come up.
And it was just, it was Oh yeah, Cars 3 was touching. And, but even the first one, Cars 1 and Shark Tale talk about popularity versus being a human being. And I think it's great. And Cars 1 is famous to not famous and, and Shark Tale is not famous to famous and both are great, you know, progressions. And sometimes I watch kids movies.
I'm like, wow, there's like a actual powerful message here that like, I just You know, I was too young to understand and sometimes I was like, whoa. But yeah, nowadays it's less like, Every time I see movies, uh, and kids shows, It's, and there's a lot of political stuff in it too. They're pushing a lot of political stuff.
There can be, yeah. A lot of messages, and, and, You know, but besides that, it's also just a lot of, um, you know, dumb, dumbing down and I hate that. And, but like you said, there's those educational tools like ABC mouse and Duolingo and I think, you know, the technological interactions can be great for education.
You know, I've been with people who are working in, in the VR, AR and immersive experience and I think it's great. But like you said, and I, and I'm very anti, you, you talked about road trips, but for me, the even worse one is, is parents who just want their kids to behave in a restaurant so they give them a tablet or a phone.
When I grew up, you know, my parents were very strict with us. So me and my, my siblings, we would sit in a restaurant quietly like adults and there would be kids who were running around screaming and people would come up to my parents and be like, your kids are so well behaved. And nowadays it's like the, I'll say like this technology is a cop out to parenting.
It's an easy scapegoat. It can be and I will say that I held the same beliefs before I was a parent and I think I used to think like I was that super judgy single woman who would see kids on leashes and I'd be like, it's called parenting. Like, why would you ever leash your child? They're not a dog.
Sometimes you need a break. And then I had my second son. My first probably would listen, would listen to anything I said. He was like, never would run off. I would say freeze, he would stop second son, that kid, he, we, his, his name is Colton and we call him Bolton because he just off. And I'm like, and so I, I used to have a lot, I think your paradigms shift and I think it always comes back to balance.
Like our kids know that when we go out to a restaurant, Like ideally I always bring toys but I always have the backup as an iPad because it's a privilege when we go out to a restaurant in this in that space versus versus like at home at the dinner table there's no tech allowed on the dinner table so it's a special occasion and we create the frame in the environment that like, you know, they, they don't normally get french fries so they get to get french fries and they get to have an iPad and they're like this is a special occasion for them so it's we frame it like that so it's not.
A consistent thing because it is about balance like, yes, we don't immediately take out the iPads, but if that's requested, then we have it be and it's conditional. It's conditional on their behavior as well. Like, we, I want them to know that they, they, they don't get to have iPads before they order and they have to order their own food.
They get to use their voice and practice giving commanding language. So there is an asking to be served and learning how to receive and learning how to be right. Gracious my 6 year old he helps me, you know, figure out the tip because that's his addition like, and so we bring them into life and it would be, it would be in Congress.
If I said, no, we're not doing iPads because they see me on my computer a lot, but I do. They also do see. Mommy shuts down the computer and when mommy said, like, it's, it's no more computer time. Like, I love the fact that my son, though, is doing 3rd grade math in 1st grade and that's because of the iPad.
And because of magnesium, and I think, yeah, I think having it as a reward compared to a, I don't want to, you know, deal with you because I'm exhausted or whatever is a big difference. And yeah, also, I was going to say he could definitely train me with French fries. I don't blame your kids. French fries are amazing.
I actually went on, like when I was in high school, the study came out basically that was like, French fries are bad for you. They take years off your life. And I actually went on a French fry free diet, which was very difficult being on the Jersey shore on the boardwalk. Everyone's getting French fries.
And, you know, and I was like, you know what, I rather have years now with French fries than those years where I'm like, You know, can't even walk. So, and, and just speaking of that, I also went on a sugar free diet, you know, to, to work on the six pack. And it's funny how my dad suddenly starts buying my sister's ice cream, you know, when I'm on the sugar free diet, but when I, when I wasn't, and there was no ice cream for anyone, but anyway, that aside, bringing it all the way back to what you said before I want to address was emotions and communications.
And I think what you said, It was something I never thought about, you know, at least consciously, but not having words to express yourself and, and, you know, it was so interesting for you to say, people who aren't exposed to language or reading or as many words are limited in how they express their emotion.
And I was like, wow, that's true. Because aside from, you know, when you don't have words, then you have actions, and a lot of times it's going to be bad actions. And so I'm going to get into that in a little bit. But I realized that you're right, because my one friend. Anytime he gets mad, it's just like stomping the feet and like, oh, yeah, and like, he's like, it's like, what's wrong?
He's like, I can't explain it. I can't express it, you know, and I think what you said teaching children to all these different words in this level of emotion and emotional control is so important and I think it's important for them to have words and De stressors that are positive. So when I went on the transforming live show with Marcus Hart, we talked about Distressors, because a lot of military members take up negative distressors, like, you know, addictions to sex, to smoking, to drinking, to excessive sleeping, which people don't understand why that's bad, but I have sailors who I served with who, they worked all day, went home, slept away until it was work again, and all they do is, they just crave sleep constantly.
That's not good. You know, I mean, there are people out there living half a life, so to speak. They only live half, they're asleep more than they're awake, you know, that's awful, but we're talking about good de stressors, and I think tying that into communication, being able to write, teaching your kids, you know, poetry, and not making fun of men for writing poetry as well, and songwriting, and stuff like that, you know, because there are people who, despite being educated in language and words, They just can't express themselves through words.
And I think that's just, it's how we're raised or it's just how we're born. You know, I'm not sure I not studied in that, but I think creating outlets for your children to express themselves is so important. And I think that whole emotional spectrum. So I, I commend you for that, for, for having that. And I definitely agree with having your sons, you know, know that as a man, it's okay to express yourself.
I think there's still. It's still a very big ongoing movement right now, the shift towards men's mental health and, you know, what a man can and cannot express. I think it's a huge thing, you know, because you've got a lot of old timers who are still very, um, masculine, right? And I'm not saying it's toxic masculinity.
I think there is a level of, I think there is a time and a discipline for men to express themselves. And I think especially as a leader, uh, whether you're leading a family or a company or whatever, I You know, when you express your emotions is very important and I'm not saying how as well like how to consciously express them and that's something I teach my clients is because emotions.
It's just energy in motion. And like, this is what we do with our kids as well. Um, when they're having big emotions, like, how does that make you like, what does that feel like in your body? Like, I'm not interested in. The meaning, because we're, our brains are meaning makers. So we want to make a meaning out of the emotion, but that's not necessarily that, that what we need, what we actually need is a physicality to like release that energy in motion.
So it could be like punching a pillow. It could be screaming into a pill. Like I've had many, a client scream into a pillow. Um, I had one client who laid on the floor and like stomped her feet. Cause that's how it felt like just, she needed the grounding and she needed to move her body. And then once she processed it, she's like, I'm fine and it's so often we don't give ourselves that permission to actually fully physiologically feel our feelings and that's when they get bottled up into emotions a feeling biologically last 90 seconds.
Most people cut off their feelings at around like 20 to 30 seconds because they're like, Oh, I shouldn't be feeling this. And they should themselves out of actually feeling the biological expression. So that's they shove it down. And I, and I like to attribute it to kind of like the game of Jenga where you start to build.
On the Jenga set and eventually like you'll have moments that just are like pulling out these pieces of your emotional bandwidth. And so suddenly the tower comes crumbling down and that's when you get the explosions of anger, the suddenly breaking down into tears, right? That's when you get that is when you're not actually allowing yourself to have that moment to feel what you're feeling to acknowledge it, what it is that you're feeling.
And I, I mean, I, I'll be honest, I struggled with this with my husband and being able to allow him. As a man, like I teach this to my kids. But my husband, that was hard for me to learn how to like, Ooh, when he gets, when he has a moment to like, allow him to fully feel it, because for me, that meant danger as a kid, like, where I'd like, I just want to make it nice.
I just want to make it like, I just want to make it good versus allowing him to feel it and knowing that I'm going to be safe as his wife, which of course I am because he's amazing. Um, but that, like, I'm going to be safe. To have him have his container of emotion and I can hold the space for him to have that and have that big feeling so it's it doesn't happen that often but it's very it's I that was something that I really struggled with when he when we first in the beginning stages of our relationship was when he would have emotional moments or when he would feel let down or when he would feel shame I I really struggled to hold that container for him because for me that was like danger danger versus and that was just my childhood programming coming back.
Yeah, not, not just you, but, and, and not just from parents, but women and men who have been in abusive relationships. You know, I've been with women I dated and you know, they're afraid to say no to me or do this or that because their father, you know, if you ever said no to him, he would blow up on them. And, you know, and obviously it's difficult for people to process like, hey, this isn't my dad, you know, and that.
Especially if, I mean, you're a parent, I mean, you're with them, that's who raised you, you're with them for years, so it's hard programming to you, and a lot of women who get into those relationships are typically in them for a while in this toxic relationship where, you know, they can't say no to a guy or express their opinion, I have women who are afraid to ask for anything they want because they had, you know, partners who would just yell at them and say no, you're always asking for stuff, and it's so, important for people to understand the impact we have on each other, you know, and usually on my show and the shows I've been on, I talk about the impact of just a small act.
Of kindness, you know, just acknowledging someone's existence and thanking them and having a pleasant conversation with them. But on the other spectrum, the impact we have is so much more powerful when we're negative towards someone for, for a lot of times for no reason, or because we don't know how to express our emotions properly.
And you talk about the physicality of it. I think that's why there's so many studies that say people who go to the gym and express some of that. I think, you know, because as a society, we're training, right? You're not going to throw a tantrum in public, but I think the gym is a great way to express that when you're thinking about that, like for me, it's running.
I'll run six to eight miles at a time. And that's where I process all my emotions, you know, because. I write a lot of poetry. I've published two books of poetry, each about 500 pages. But that being said, there are certain emotions that I'm like, look, I can't just sit here and write. I, you know, I'm like, I gotta go do something.
Like you said, and I've seen on your website and Ladies and gentlemen, you can check out Ms. Kimberly Spencer's website in the description below. But seeing you talk about Pilates quite a bit, is that an emotional outlet for you? And is that something you teach your clients to get their emotions out there?
Yeah. So I, Pilates was my first business when I was 19 years old. I, um, I was needing a job in, uh, in something cause I was supporting myself in entertainment and entertainment does not have stable income. And in the beginning. And so I wanted something that would provide me with a schedule and, but that I could have control over and I found Pilates and prior to that I'd been an exercise induced asthmatic.
I couldn't run a mile to save my life and I struggled with, I knew that the gym was kind of a more toxic place for me to be because I still, I was still battling with bulimia, I was 19 years old. Um, and. I found Pilates and it was the first time I ever felt good in my body. And I was like, Whoa, what is this?
And I did it for a month. And then I said, I need to teach this. And so I went out and I started freelancing as a Pilates instructor. Okay. Within a year, I became the highest paid, most fully booked instructor at the studio that I was freelancing at. I'm not surprised because looking back and now, like, all the things that I know about leadership, I led very authentic, uh, authentically because Pilates was an absolute game changer for me and how I perceive my body.
Why? Because Pilates, like yoga and like Qi Gong are, is a form of exercise that activates your parasympathetic nervous system. As you are moving your body and even Sylvester Stallone just said a video on how he did, uh, he did a Pilates class. He's like, that is no joke. One of my favorite people to train were like the big bodybuilders who would come in and they're like, oh, Pilates.
And I'm like, it was invented by a German man. It's not as easy as you think. And, but Pilates, because you are inhaling and exhaling and the exhale is longer than your inhale, it is activating your parasympathetic nervous system, which is actually creating, um, the rest and digest. And if you've been through trauma or experienced trauma.
What you first have to get to is a space of nervous system regulation. I am not just about like, oh, let's just think positive and suddenly all the trauma will go away. No, you actually, if your body is somatically trained to be in a sympathetic fight, flight, freeze state, especially for your, uh, your, your military listeners trained, like you've been conditioned to.
Act immediately or else it's dead. So you have to understand, understand how to regulate back into a parasympathetic state so that we have the emotional variation and that the physiological neurological variation from the fight flight. Into the rest and digest and because we need both, like, it's not like fight, fight, freeze.
It's not like the sympathetic nervous system is a bad thing. We need, we need that to be able to kick a ball to run after, um, run after our child. If they're running down the street, we need though, that, that system. We just need to also know how to regulate it back into rest and digest. And so Pilates helped me regulate my nervous system.
And that's how I leverage it with my clients today is I don't teach them Pilates anymore, but I do encourage them if they are looking for a form of exercise to do that. And I do teach them Pilates and somatic breathing so that they can activate diaphragmatic breath. Because when we're stressed, we only use the top third of our lungs to breathe.
And. When we and it's so you're not actually getting into your diaphragm, which means you're not actually expanding your rib cage and to get metaphysical your rib cage or heart chakra and your diaphragm, which is your solar plexus is like the center of power. And so if you're not breathing deep into your diaphragm, you're staying stuck up here.
In your, in your shoulders and your chest, which is why you get the, like the, the breathing into your shoulders and the stress around your neck. So I teach my clients how to drop their breath down into their diaphragm and just practice that breath in their body to help them regulate their breathing.
Because that's where we're supposed to be breathing in the first place. That's how our bodies are designed to breathe. Right. And I think I'm going to go try Pilates. I've done yoga. I love yoga. It is rough. And I always say that. I feel like I shouldn't have to say that. But people still think, you know, it's a sissy thing to do.
But yoga leaves me sore. And we did this one where she's like, we're going to twist all your organs. Oh, I felt that one, you know. And, and. Really, I encourage anyone who is struggling to do yoga nidra, which is like a put you to sleep kind of yoga. The lady will say that your your bones are heavy like lead and I have a I have a lot of sleeping disorders and between rotating shift work and anxiety and night terrors like I wake up screaming like violent sleeper.
I tell you, that stuff knocks me out. Usually, like, if you're an insomniac, I recommend yoga nidra. Yoga. I'll try Pilates. But yeah, and I didn't know, you taught me a lot about the nervous system right there. And, you know, about the lungs and breathing. They do teach in the military breathing exercises. Like, breathe a square.
You know, kind of picture a square. That's the one I usually do, but even just in general, and before we would do cross country meets, when I used to run cross country, they would do the same thing. One just for, Getting you ready for cardio, but too, because you know, you're kind of nervous and stressed and we would, you know, try to breathe with your full lungs.
I think a lot of people aren't breathing with their lungs fully. And just, you know, you had mentioned bulimia. And so what I want to ask you about that is, what's your opinions on eating disorders and social media nowadays? And that kind of, Do you feel like social media is making more people self conscious?
Because I can tell you, you know, just from what I've seen on social media, I try not to like any accounts like that, but you know, Instagram knows I'm a young male and they'll throw these super skinny girls on my, on my feed. And I know I've dated a lot of women and been friends with a lot of women who constantly compare themselves to these, you know, only fans models.
And these girls on Instagram who are influencers doing clothing and stuff, and not just Instagram, but all the social media, you know. As someone who's dealt with an eating disorder, how, how do you feel about that? And how does it differ from when you had yours? Well, I'm very grateful that social media wasn't around when I was going through mine.
Um, I, I recovered because I chose to recover. Um, plain and simple. It comes down to a choice. And secondly, like, you'll be surprised at this. I started beauty pageants. Which seems counterintuitive, right? So that's how I became Miss Congeniality, but I started doing beauty pageants when I was 15 years old.
So I was in the throes of an eating disorder. And yet you would think like, that sounds so opposite. Like, why would you put yourself into an environment that is one where you actually need to walk out in a bathing suit? Show off your body. And I actually did that because in beauty pageants, I found a community of women who were gorgeous, who wanted to make a great impact in the world, who actually cared.
And when I struggled the most was actually when I was in high school, because I was learning all of these things, you know, biology and chemistry and like, I, the way that school is designed currently, they teach to the what thinkers had I known that if you just like, had they taught in biology class. That if you engage your rhomboids and the external rotators in your back, and you roll your shoulders back, that can actually send signals to your brain of confidence.
When I was struggling at 15 with an eating disorder and no confidence, like, I would have been all over biology had I known that. Schools and the way that they teach, typically, they don't give a why. They don't give a why or purpose, it's just you need to know this information, so here memorize this information.
Yeah, it's just that info dump. And I'm very skilled at, like, I could memorize it, but I didn't care. And so I knew, I've always had big dreams, I didn't care about dating, I didn't care about boys, um, I, I was not in that mind. I was very career focused, I was joking, I've been, I've been in my 15. Like, I have always been very career driven.
And that experience. of being in beauty pageants, that was where I started to be like, Oh, I found my people. And so I found community. I found an environment that was supportive. And I actually didn't find myself comparing myself to the other women because I was in that place of like looking at how do I, they weren't my competition.
They weren't, they weren't who I was trying to please. I was trying to win the crown. So I was like, how do I win the judge's approval? Not, I didn't care about the other girls, but I think that today with social media, a lot of women just naturally and men too, they compare each other. I was just having a lunch with some amazing women.
And even then these amazing, confident, super successful women. What one of them was like, oh, I wish I could be skinny like you and not to me, but to another friend of mine. And I was like, ladies, like, it's those little comments that I learned early on in the reprogramming of my mind. That I wanted to stop making, I think one of the greatest things I did was start teaching Pilates because I was surrounding myself with 10 different bodies a day that I was training and there was this one woman who I, uh, talked about in a book that I half wrote and never published.
Um, that I shared this case study of this woman, Grace, who came in with this stack of magazines. This was before social media, before Pinterest. You know, with a stack of magazines of like, this is who I want to look like. Can you train my body to look like this? And I looked at the picture and I looked at her.
And I was like, I didn't see a difference and I have a pretty astute eye as far as like, body mechanics. So I'm like, I don't, I almost laughed at it. And she was like, no, can't you see like her, her deltoid, her deltoid is shaped a little more defined. And mine is just a little flat. And I was like, I could barely see the difference.
And it was in those moments of training my clients where I was like, oh my gosh, am I doing this to myself? Am I comparing myself when really I actually am already pretty far along and looking pretty darn good? Like what? And then I realized the other piece was that so often when we're chasing these external goals, either with money or with weight, like that, that number holds a meaning to us.
And when I realized that the meaning of the number wasn't, I'm not chasing the number. I'm chasing what I feel like that that meaning will give to me. What do I feel like that that'll give to me if I am at that weight? What do I feel? What will I be feeling like on a daily basis if I'm at that weight? I found the same true financially with business.
So often people have like a, you know, they want to hit their first six figure year or their million dollar year. And they're like, Oh, I want to make a million dollars. Okay. What does that mean to you? Like what, how do you feel, how do you think you will feel different when you have a million dollars compared to how you feel now, because what you're actually chasing is the feeling we chase emotions.
We chase a feeling of what we think it's going to give us on the other side, and if we punish and we force and we try to brute force, achieve our goals in that way, you enact the law of diminishing returns and the law of reversed effort. Because your subconscious mind, it doesn't respond to that. It'll actually rebel.
It'll be like, no, screw you. I'm not, you know, forcing myself into this corner. So we have to be gentle and kind and loving and commanding, but not in a way of like, trying to like, I, when I was recovering from my eating disorder. I initially, I would like, Oh, you, you know, if I gained a couple pounds, I'd be, I would beat myself up.
I was so hard on myself. Even today, my husband's like, I've never seen anybody be as hard on themselves as you are. And I'm like, I have eased up quite a bit in the past 20 years, but the, That ability to beat myself up. I had to surrender that as a part of my healing. And when I, instead of beating myself up, I got curious of like, oh, that didn't produce the results that I wanted.
So what actually would? And that's why I always encourage anyone who's getting stuck in a silo of social media. To just check your feelings, like, how's your body feeling? Like, do you feel better? Do you feel more positive? Do you feel happier that you spent 30 minutes scrolling on your phone looking at pictures of women that you're, you know, that aren't you?
That you're like, oh, I could look like her? Or do you feel worse? And if you feel worse, then you're not in the feeling of what it is, the goal that you want to achieve. So, why are you punishing yourself? Yeah, you know, I'm interested because, you Just thinking about you enjoyed being with these women who were in beauty pageants And I wonder if subconsciously on some level was because they were like you because even though to you you probably like there's they're so gorgeous There's so much more gorgeous than I am on You were in a community of all women who?
Beautiful women who was feeling the same way you were feeling they they didn't feel good enough And you you talk about people always wanting to you know achieve this and that and I think humans You Obviously, there's different levels, right? But I'm gonna use the word perfectionist. I think humans are perfectionist.
They're always wanting more, always driven to, you know, get more and to conform to others. And it is something that I can relate to because I've never dealt with bulimia, but I have been bullied my whole life for being skinny, um, by men only. Women have always complimented me, especially older women. They were always like, we wish we had your metabolism.
I have a hypermetabolism. I'm actually on weight gainer because I lose weight every week. I had, I had to spend double the amount of time in the gym as normal people to just, Gain back, you know, my weight. And so, but what I found is, you know, a lot of skinny guys don't wanna go to the gym because of gym intimidation.
Right. Because you're like, this is where all the, the ripped guys go. Mm-Hmm. . But I enjoy it because actually me and, and the guys I live with and, and people who come up and talk to me, I mean, they're jacked. They're, they're in perfect shape. And it's just like, I imagine the beauty pageant women are where they're like not happy with themselves.
And this guy's, you know, bicep is the size of my head. He's like, I, I, I could always be bigger, you know? Yeah. And so. I'm just curious, you know, and just as someone looking on the outside, how being in a community where, where, if that helps you with your eating disorder, because on some level, they, they all felt awful about themselves.
And I just want to clarify bulimia is when you. Eat and then throw it up later. Yes. Yeah. Or it's when you eat and you take a whole bunch of laxatives. So I was, I was both, um, what, uh, what I found was the hardest thing to move. The hardest stage to move from in learning and growth is from the stage of isolation, where you think that you.
Are where you are and quote unquote and you'll know this by your language where no one understands if you're saying no one understands then you're really stuck in a cage. You've literally yourself in your own prison. And even though getting out and into the community and like seeing different stages what like with you with.
The gym or with me with beauty pageants or especially with me with teaching Pilates when I had women coming to me Sharing their insecurities sharing their body and I was like, oh my god. I'm not alone in this struggle I thought I was the only person struggling the only person suffering with this and it made me such a horrible bad terrible human being for having this secret because shame loves secrets and It wasn't until I pivoted and I started just sharing my journey with my clients and I was like, yeah, I haven't loved my body all the time, but Pilates actually helped train me so that I have a deep love for my body.
And I had a process that worked. So once we get out of the space of like, no one understands, and I'm the only person struggling with this, and I'm the only person, when we're in that space, that's a very, those are dangerous words to be uttering, because that's a very close sign of, that there's severe, there's a spiral to severe depression and suicidal ideation, in that spiral of, you're the only one, nobody understands.
Right. That space. So at least getting out into any community will allow you some environmental perspective to move beyond. So at least knowing you're not the only one struggling. So it's a huge step to becoming free and to your own liberation from your own prison. Yeah, it's awful how, you know, negative the world is when it comes to this, right?
Because really, you know, society and everything we think is what gets us feeling this way, gets us self conscious. Like we said, these pictures that were being shown or, you know, the comments like, oh, I wish I was skinnier like you. Instead, what we need is compliments, you know, confidence boosters, but we don't have that.
We have a society where And I can't speak for Tik Tok or Facebook, right? But I am on Instagram and I used to be on it a lot. I've cut my time down to almost zero, which has made my life so much better. It really has, and I would read through comments sometimes, especially on these posts, and it's like, there's two types of comments, extremely perverted in sexual nature, right, especially with posts of women, or just hate from women and men, you know, like, that you should be skinnier, or you should stop posting this content because you're ugly, and this and that, there's never just like a, you're beautiful, never just support, and You know, it's always either perverted or, you know, destructive, not even like criticism that that could be like taking somewhere.
It's things that people can't change. You know, it's such a negative world and we really need to boost each other up. And so as we go ahead, I was just as we grab things up here, you know what? What are some of your big takeaways that you'd like to leave everyone with? Yeah, I mean, I find that there is massive collaboration at the top.
And that the people, like, for me, I make a conscious choice that even if I disagree with something, that I see someone else post, I'm not going to be that person up in their comments being like, Just hating for no reason. Just hating on it. Doesn't benefit anyone. I'm going to do some introspection. It's like, what, what was it about that post that triggered me?
Because when we can acknowledge that, and then when we can see the thing, our emotions are just signs of something that we get to heal within ourselves. It's just a signal. So when you can treat social media is providing you with signals. So the problem is, is that sometimes we get so many signals that we can, we create an environment where we get numb to it.
And that's when you get the people who say unconscious comments and who are, uh, spread. hate because they are just numb to all of it and they get to be a keyboard warrior to wear something. If they were actually going to say something to somebody's face, they'd get punched in the face. Like they would never utter those things directly to a person, but there's a safety behind a screen.
And I think when we can acknowledge that if there is something that we feel like we need to be speaking up about more, or if there's something that's stimulating us or triggering us on social media, that's an opportunity for us to do some introspection. And And on top of it, be the encourager. Like, one of the things that I loved about my dad, um, is that, and what everybody else loved about him, is that when he got sober, and even when he wasn't, he was always an encourager of people and, and, and humans dreams.
He had his own demons, he had his own stuff, but he always, like, he would spend nighttimes, cause he actually was a YouTube star later on in life. And he, um, And he would respond to people's messages and emails and just sending them encouragement. He would just send them a, like a Bible verse or a message or something that would just encourage them.
And I hope for me, that's one of the things of his legacy that I hope to carry on is that encourager in the room of being able to be the person that lifts people up, being the one who mentions other people's names in a positive context and saying, Oh, my God, My gosh, you love that person. You're gonna really love this person.
They're so amazing. And being able to be that person who is the light because. I've seen a fair share of haters over the years of being online for the past decade. Yeah. Um, but I also have created almost like an energetic field for lack of a better word, where I'm like, I am so trusting of my community to back me and to know the values of what I stand for, which is radical ownership, that when somebody disagrees with me, I will not engage with them if they just want to blast.
Um, Bless just the troll at me, but I will say if they want to open up a discussion. I'm happy to have that discussion. Of course. I, I also know that my community and this is the power of community. They will also stand up for me. There was a post that I had I forget. It was like a couple months ago. Right.
I didn't even see the comments on it because I'm a social media manager. So sometimes I don't even see things that are said. And I actually, it was my best friend who told me, she's like, Kim, your community just rallied for you in this post, because there's a post about choosing a victim mindset versus like being a victim.
And having that carry with you because there's, I always like to frame the context that there's a big difference between being a victim of something that happened to you and carrying on a victim mindset where you're allowing that, that yeah, wallowing in self pity to yeah, to just generate and fuel and shape your whole paradigm.
So it was a post around that and somebody. Definitely had some, some say on disagreeing probably someone who, who, you know, has, yeah, has been. Yeah, of course. I can tell you already. And total compassion for them. My community was the one who stood up for me. My community was the ones who, who were in the, up in the comments saying, You, you don't know, like they're like, she stands for a value of ownership and she is not calling you out personally.
So if you're feeling personally triggered by this, like that's something that you get to examine and that's the power of, of surrounding yourself. Like I, if you find someone that will be your champion, that will be your cheerleader. We need those in our back pockets. We need those people. And I've been, I've been blessed to be.
Find those communities, whether it's in podcasting. I love the podcasting community. They're so uplifting, so collaborative. And then I found a group called the dames for six, seven and eight figure business women. And that community, it's just so, um, supported. And so if you're not finding in your environment, people that lift you up.
You can find people on social media and you will see them in your comments of people who are like, Hey, yes, you're doing amazing. Congratulations and be the person like be the change start celebrating other people's wins and there's something that I say to myself anytime I see anybody have a win, especially on social media where we can get into like the comparative analysis where I say if she can, I can too.
If he can, I can too. And so I'm constantly saying that all the time as I'm seeing people post their wins, even if it's something that I've already achieved. Even if it's something that I've already done, I still repeat that in my head to remind myself of being a beacon of possibility. Yes, ma'am. Well, Miss Kimberly, thank you so much for coming on with all of this wisdom.
You're so positive and so fun. And I encourage all of the listeners, ladies and gentlemen, please check out her show if you love her, if you love her content. And, you know, if you want to transform your life, you know, the link is going to be in the description below. But yeah, thank you so much for coming on and sharing all that with us.
I had a great time. So much for having me, Mr. Whiskey. It's been a pleasure.
